tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45876742189929690442024-03-14T10:44:41.047+10:30Beyond The Dream Of MotherhoodMoving beyond the heartache of infertility and seeking to discover a new and fulfilling life child free.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-45029571238147902662014-02-19T16:03:00.003+10:302014-02-19T16:06:02.861+10:30Moving onHello everyone!<br />
<br />
I've been gone a while. Life has changed! Things are better. I have worked through my grief. I know that I will always be sad over our losses, but I am no longer grieving. I have learnt that there is a huge difference between those two words. And I have even discovered, and been amazed at, feeling moments of complete happiness with my life. Those of you who have gone through the same journey, will know what I mean by that. You will know why it is such an amazing feeling, because it is one that for a very, very long time, I never thought I would feel again.<br />
<br />
I've also come to realise that blogging for me is an avenue to work my way
through the myriad of circumstances in life. I've had numerous blogs
over the last few years to help sort through various issues. And, like
other things in life, sometimes there comes a point when it is time to
move on to the next adventure!<br />
<br />
I'm a childless woman. I
will always be a childless woman. But I'm no longer in a place where I
need to be defined by that. There will be times when I need to talk
about it. There are times when I still cry about it. There are times
when something happens that sends me back to the heartache of loss.
Being with people who understand what we've been through is so
important. But mostly, I am on to the new adventure. There are other
issues I need to work through in order to grow. And there is my new
life in which to flourish.<br />
<br />
So, I've decided to move
away from this blog and it's title and begin a new one. I really hope
that you will still come along for the ride. There is a lot that has happened in the last few months. A lot of things that have changed. There is much to share! I know I've been away for a
while, but I have treasured the friendships I have found here and would
love to still be a part of your blogging worlds.<br />
<br />
I won't
ever close down this blog. If anyone out there can be helped,
reassured, supported by the experiences that we went through, then that
is an absolute blessing. It is such a tough and life changing journey.
I don't wish it on anyone. Even as I write this, I feel the tears well
up for all the heartache and emotions and loss that have forever been
imprinted on our souls.<br />
<br />
It's time to to move on though.
I'm ready to find positivity and hope and peacefulness. I'm ready to be
happy in my life and to find joy in the day to day living! <br />
<br />
That is what my new blog is about. It's called <a href="http://positivelypeacefulhealing.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Positively Peaceful</a>.
It's a place to find, and to celebrate, all those things. To look for
them in times of happiness as well as times of difficulty. It's a place
to come to where I can talk about the good times and the struggles,
whilst bringing a positively peaceful outlook onto everything.<br />
<br />
I hope to see you there.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://positivelypeacefulhealing.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Positively Peaceful</a><br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
xx <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-23051644904921035952013-12-12T12:04:00.000+10:302013-12-12T12:04:11.590+10:30The Day itselfI said in my<a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/the-due-date-and-coming-to-terms.html" target="_blank"> last post</a>, that my due date itself wasn't so bad. In fact, it was a good day because of some careful planning, my dear husband and some brilliant and talented winemakers! <br />
<br />
DH is in the wine industry and on our due date he had been invited to a bbq by one of his winemaker customers. It was the perfect thing for us, on this difficult day, to be together and look forward to a social event.<br />
<br />
I re-arranged my working hours and spent the day with him. We travelled to the wine region and he spent the morning visiting customers while I tagged along. By another amazing coincidence, my parents were holidaying in that region, so we met them for lunch.<br />
<br />
I had the best ever gluten free pizza I have ever tasted in my life!! DH has been wanting to take me there ever since he discovered it on another one of his trips. It was the perfect choice for this day and it was lovely having lunch with my folks.<br />
<br />
Then a couple more visits and we arrived at the bbq. Oh my goodness! It was an amazing wine tasting experience. There were many winemakers there and each of them brought selections of their best red wines. I have never been to a party where there were so many wine lovers all indulging in the pleasure of red wine. Just looking around the party at everyone with their wine glasses gave me such a thrill. What an experience!!<br />
<br />
But the best experience was of course, the wine itself. Of particular note, was a vertical tasting of the best red wine I have ever had. It was from the winemaker who hosted the party and retails for $120 a bottle!!! Wow! A vertical tasting is when you taste different years of the same wine. There were three years of this particular wine - an 05, 06 and an 09. It is amazing. You can really taste the difference in each year. No two years are ever the same. Yet all were brilliant! In talking to him, it was all about the grapes that were used, the weather of the season and other factors. It was just fascinating! And I got just a little bit drunk!<br />
<br />
It was a fun, relaxing and memorable day. A perfect antidote for a difficult date. And to spend the whole day with DH helped enormously.<br />
<br />
I am glad the day has passed. There is a sense of a new beginning, a shift in the grieving. My time that I should have been pregnant is over and it is a little easier to move on.<br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
xxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-69549665859063933972013-12-11T17:25:00.001+10:302013-12-11T17:25:25.695+10:30The Due Date and coming to termsFor the last few weeks, I've needed a break from the childless world. I've needed to find my own space again and to allow the grieving to run its course. I stopped reading the books as well, just occasionally still working my way through Jodie Day's book "Rocking The Life Unexpected", but without doing the exercises. I know I will go back through and do them at some point.<br />
<br />
A lot has happened and it will take a few posts to catch up. <br />
<br />
The biggest thing was the coming and going of my due date. <br />
<br />
It was on December 3rd. Exactly one week before my 45th birthday.<br />
<br />
The day itself was, surprisingly, a good day, thanks to my husband and some careful planning. It was the lead up to it that was horrible. I think though, that all the grieving I had to about that day was done in the lead up. By the time the day itself came around, I had already grieved. And because the day was busy, it didn't creep into my mind too many times or for too long. <br />
<br />
I know there will always be grief about this in some way. <br />
I know that Dec 3rd will always be a date that will remind me.<br />
I am still so sad.<br />
<br />
The strange thing is the nature of the grief. <br />
<br />
When I get triggered by something, what I feel now is sadness more than grief.<br />
But ever now and then, with no warning, grief will hit me like a ton of bricks and I am back in its depths once more. There is never a reason or a trigger. It is just like a big wave that comes and washes me back out. And then, after a while, it goes again and I am back.<br />
<br />
I don't understand it. But I guess I don't have to. I just have to keep working my way through it.<br />
<br />
Yet amongst all of that, has been a sense of coming terms with my life as a childless woman. I'm finding my life again. New things are coming into it. I have been busy again and finding enjoyment in new directions. <br />
<br />
My brother asked me to get the office side of his business in order. It is a job that has been a long time coming and I am gradually bringing order to the chaos! I have been really enjoying the process, not to mention getting paid again!<br />
<br />
I've also been volunteering in the music office at school. I am learning the ropes, enjoying the company, happy to be helping. Fingers crossed it may lead to some paid work - maybe a day a week. Even it doesn't though, it has been really good for me. I am loving being a part of the music department in a new way, I have thrived in the office environment and volunteering has been good for my soul. And interestingly, it has brought a different dimension to the teaching that I am still doing, because I am seeing the department as a whole, not just from the angle of an instrumental teacher.<br />
<br />While there is still so much that is so difficult, I am SO grateful to be seeing some positives creeping in! And when I think about some of the timings of the things around me, I know that I am being looked after.<br />
<br />
Love and Light.<br />
xxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-77120326772230913992013-11-16T08:40:00.000+10:302013-11-16T08:40:12.676+10:30A dream coming to fruitionIt's been a little while since I've been active on the blogosphere and communities for a number of reasons. The best one is that I have been consumed with a new interest that has seen me turn a corner in my recovery!<br />
<br />
For the last week I have been creating and then actively engaging in a home management binder. I saw the idea a while ago and it peeked my interest. Last week I acted on it. Before I knew it, I was spending all my time creating daily, weekly, monthy etc cleaning lists, turning them into colorful and attractive word documents and acting on them in a frenzy of cleaning, clutter clearing, organising and labelling.<br />
<br />
My scrapbooking materials came out as I created dividers and matching tabs and I began to feel a sense of truly beginning to live my life again after months of grief and years of fertility treatments.<br />
<br />
One of the goals that I have had for this last half of the year was to find what it was that I wanted to do with my life. This is the reason for taking time of work and giving myself space to not only grieve but to create the new life that I new that I needed. <br />
<br />
I began to realise that one of things that I really wanted, was to be at home creating a beautiful and natural home life for us. We began with putting in raised garden beds and buying heritage seeds and seedlings. And we are slowly looking at other natural options - a worm farm, better composting etc. To do these things needs time and I know that I want my life to have room for this, along with time for babysitting and taking care of my parents.<br />
<br />
This means not going back to work as I did before and not bringing in the same income. I am so grateful that DH is happy for this to happen. Neither of us are obsessed with money. We both feel that as long as we have enough to live plus a bit extra to enjoy life, is all that we need. <br />
<br />
I can't tell you how excited I am at the prospect of not going back to the full time work of teaching that I have been doing for over 20 years. To move away from that world is a relief. It is a world that no longer serves me. A world that doesn't fit who I am now. I've felt that way for quite a while, but the last few years and particularly the last few months has seen me change in so many ways. Finally, with the support of DH, I have broken away. <br />
<br />
Creating the home management binder has been a HUGE step in achieving the goals that I do want. It has taken me away from the stationery place of my grief and has seen me becoming passionate and active and finally achieving my goals of breathing life into our home. The grieving is still there (big time today), but that is for another post. This post is about the good things that are happening in my life. The corner that I have turned!<br />
<br />
As I talked to my therapist about all this, I realised that I just can't up with a name for the role that I am playing. "Housewife" seems to have a negative, almost degrading feel to it. "Homemaker" seems a bit corny to me. What do I say to someone who asks what I am doing with my life? Aside from the three days a week work that I have, one day teaching and two days doing officework, this is my role. A role of maintaining our home, growing vegetables, being there for DH who is doing such long hours at the moment, being there for the rest of my immediate family and taking the much needed time to take care of myself. Basically getting back to the roots of life, to what really matters. <br />
<br />
I keep thinking back to the days before civilisation took hold, when people's lives were about the basics. Obviously I wouldn't want to go back to that (!) but the simplicity of life appeals to me. Spending time growing food, preparing food, using what the world gives us, ensuring that we live in a clean and uncluttered environment creating a freedom of mind, heart and soul. Most importantly, taking care of ourselves and our loved ones.<br />
<br />
The routine and structure of chores in the home management binder has brought that to my life. Anything I think of goes down in the to do list, freeing my mind of worrying about it, and then getting ticked off when it is done. I can easily see what needs to be done and when it needs to be done. The house is fresher, less cluttered, cleaner and it is being reflected in my mind, body and soul. I am feeling better. Finally, I am out of my rut and bringing into my life what I have known I wanted to do for so long.<br />
<br />
DH is away at the moment. Three weeks in Italy for work. It is really hard with him away and I haven't been coping well. Yet, it has been the perfect time to begin this huge project. And when he comes back at the end of next week, the place is going to feel SO much better.<br />
<br />
I am so grateful for this coming into my life. And I'd like to give a big thank you to all the women that have posted about their own home management binders and shared their ideas, their homes, and their visions!<br />
<br />
___________________________ <br />
<br />
PS. I seriously would like an answer to what to call this life I am leading now!!! Any thoughts?<br />
<br />
<br /> <br />
<br />
<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-16091610733467901672013-11-04T17:55:00.000+10:302013-11-04T17:55:49.888+10:30Blessed silence.I've decided that there is a reason why women are fertile in their 20's and early 30's. It's because by the time you are in your mid 40's, looking after an infant is E.X.H.A.U.S.T.I.N.G.!!!<br />
<br />
Yes, it was babysitting day today for my 18 month old great nephew. The day started at 5.45 when my alarm went off so I would have time for a quick shower and some breakfast before he arrived at 6.15. Then it was non-stop until 4 pm, aside from a blessed nap in the middle of the day. <br />
<br />
The kid doesn't stop. He just goes from one thing to the next. Outside, inside, play with this, play with that, come here, go there, up the steps, down the steps, whizzy's, chasey, chase the cat, where's the dog; food, food, finally lets sit and watch Cars 2, 15 minutes later thats enough, on to the next., and on it goes. <br />
<br />
I'm 44 and for the first time ever, feeling every year and then some. It's certainly enough to cure my desire for a child!! For today at least, the grief is on the back burner. Whats that? Silence? Stillness in the house? Aahhhhhhhhhhhh................<br />
<br />
Time to go watch some Ellen.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-85902600260115837112013-10-29T17:44:00.001+10:302013-10-29T17:45:43.726+10:30Footsteps In The Sand<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Depression is the word for the day. Yet, I think it comes
with a clarity of where I am right now. And a sense of transitioning.<br />
<br />
I
saw my kinesiologist on Friday. It was a good session. After two
sessions of not feeling that any progress was being made, I finally feel
that maybe some breakthroughs have occurred. <br />
<br />
The
first word that appeared in the session was "struggle". I am struggling with so many
things right now, not just being childless. The difficult emotions of
dealing with not having children, are severely triggering my coping
mechanisms. More than anything, I am struggling with those old and
tired patterns of supporting myself, that do me as much harm and
negativity in the long run, as they do protect me from my emotions of
the moment.<br />
<br />
I realised this morning, that I need to
find others way of supporting myself. And then I realised, that I
don't have any other ways. I can't do it myself. I thought about my
last exercise from the "Life Without Baby" group on Finding Support and
came to the conclusion that there is no one in my life that can support
me in the way that I need in order to release my negative patterns.<br />
<br />
And
then it occurred to me. God can. I'm reminded of the story of a
person walking along the beach with God and looking back at their
footsteps. The person notices that in the most difficult parts of her
life, there was only one set of footsteps. "Why did you leave me in the
most difficult times, God?" "My child, those were the times when I was
carrying you."<br />
<br />
I'm not religious. I was raised in the
church, with my father as the minister. By the time I reached my 20's,
I began exploring all aspects of religion and spirituality and
eventually found the things that worked for me, the beliefs to which I
believe I was led. It was wonderful having a father who supported me in
my search and loved being able to provide me with greater clarity and
revelation. It didn't matter to him that I wasn't staying within the
church. What was important to him was that I was exploring God and
discovering what that meant to me. Dad's in depth understanding and
education in matters of spirit and religion was a wonderful sounding
board. I don't place myself in any particular faith or philosophy now.
But if I had to define myself, it would be "spiritual". <br />
<br />
I'm
wondering today whether I have ever let God carry me through the
difficult times. I'm wondering today, if through the difficult times, I
always turned to my eating disorder to support me. A completely
dysfunctional pattern that may have been my only way of coping in my youth, but does not serve me anymore.<br />
<br />
Today however, I have been feeling a sense of
being carried. Whatever healing went on in my kinesiology session has finally brought to a new place in my journey. I don't feel it as one of letting go and handing over my problems to God. I believe they are God given problems with which I need to work through in order to evolve. But I do feel it as releasing the weight that drags me down and allowing God to lift me and carry me above my debilitating emotions.<br />
<br />
Even as I wrote this, I felt some of the depression lift and a little bit of peacefulness creep in.<br />
<br />
I am grateful.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-46933034818970800122013-10-28T13:30:00.002+10:302013-10-28T13:30:37.926+10:30Graduating to a new levelMy period started last night. I had 30 seconds of feeling very sad that I wasn't pregnant. And then it was gone. You see, I still dream of the miracle.<br />
<br />
I have come to realise that I am beginning to lose the <i>desire</i> to have children, but the <i>dream</i> is still there. I wrote this in the "Life Without Baby" community.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I still hold this fantasy that by an amazing miracle, I will get
pregnant naturally and everything will be fine. I think I may still
live from month to month for a while.<br />
<br />
I'm not going to be
disappointed when AF comes around. There has been too much loss for me
to ever want to go through just a part of a pregnancy again. And that
is what would happen... <br />
<br />
But it still exists as this little fantasy that everything is going
to work out and we will get our dream and it will be good and life will
be happy etc. etc.<br />
<br />
The wonder of "what if" still remains each cycle.</blockquote>
<br />
Why am I feeling a change in my desire for children? <br />
I think that as I am grieving, I am partly healing and envisioning a new life, but I'm also finding reasons for why it is best for me to not have children. Are those reasons excuses to help me feel better? Maybe they are. Probably a lot of them are. I think they are a big part of my self-preservation thoughts. "This is why it is best that I don't have children." Yet the fact that they are there, shows that I still hold a big place in my heart and life that is meant to be filled with my children and I am needing to fill that hole with excuses in order to survive the heartache I feel. <br />
But maybe some of these reasons and understandings are also me finding my true path in my spiritual journey through life. That is something to explore further.<br />
<br />
The other thing I am feeling today, is a loss at never fully experiencing the natural bodily function of my reproductive system. I will never know what it is like to feel my baby kicking inside of me, I will never feel my body swell as my child grows, I will never experience birth and breastfeeding etc etc.<br />
<br />
As I sit here, I am so aware of my uterus shedding its lining to start afresh again. I can feel the discomfort and the sensations of my reproductive system at work. I feel connected to that core of my self.<br />
<br />
At one time, my uterus held a growing child. For 12 weeks, it did what it was meant to do. Then it was gone. Now as another cycle leaves me, I feel that loss again. And I feel the loss of an important aspect of womenhood. <br />
<br />
My 'womenhood' is not something I have ever fully connected to. It's always been a little elusive as I have dealt with the issues of my life. In part, I saw having a child as a way of 'growing up', of 'becoming a woman'. I felt that many of my problems would leave me as I enveloped the role of motherhood, as I shed my 'childhood'. Maybe that was just a fantasy, it probably was, but it was real for me. <br />
<br />
Now that there isn't a child to help me 'graduate' to the next stage of my life, I have to find that new level myself. I have to find my 'womenhood' in another way.<br />
<br />
This is going to be an interesting journey!Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-71787542725333454092013-10-23T15:01:00.000+10:302013-10-23T15:01:09.206+10:30More books, websites and an Australian author!It's been a while since I posted because I have been caught up with other areas of childless reading. After finishing the two books <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/books-society-and-differences.html" target="_blank">I listed earlier</a>, I finished reading <a href="http://www.miriamzoll.net/" target="_blank">Miriams book</a> and began "<a href="http://gateway-women.com/" target="_blank">Jody Day's Rocking The Life Unexpected.</a>" I joined both her Gateway Woman site hosted through google plus as well as <a href="http://community.lifewithoutbaby.com/" target="_blank">Lisa Manterfields "Life Without Baby" community</a>. Both of these sites have taken up all my spare time as I got a feel for them and eventually started posting.<br />
<br />
It took me a little while, but now after reading 4 books about peoples stories, I am finally ready to start the therapeutic exercises. I have enrolled in Lisa Manterfields Road Map to Healing Group and have completed the week one questions. And I have done exercise one and two in Jody's book. Both have been really helpful and I'm looking forward to continuing with the exercises and communicating with the other women doing Lisa's group.<br />
<br />
I considered posting my response to Jody's exercise one, but I think I will just keep that to myself for now.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Does anyone know of any blogs that are talking about Jody's exercises?</i></b><br />
<br />
Another book I came across is:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.inherownsweettime.com/" target="_blank">In Her Own Sweet Time by Rachel Lehmann-Haupt</a></li>
</ul>
<br />I started reading it and realised that at the moment, I just need to focus on the Lisa's and Jody's work material. Anymore is just overwhelming me.<br /><ul>
</ul>
Except then I found this one - an Australian author - and I am so excited.<br />
<ul>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-AU; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="http://www.childlessreflections.com/" target="_blank"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Childless:
Reflections on Life’s Longing for Itself </span></i></b></a></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-AU; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">by Gillian Guthrie</span> </li>
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I can't wait to read a childless book by an Australian author!!!! I mentioned in a <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/books-society-and-differences.html" target="_blank">previous post</a> about how I was really noticing the differences in my experiences compared to what others have experienced in different cultures. I can't wait to read her book for the Aussie perspective. I wonder if it will be different??<br />
<br />
She wrote this article for the Sydney Morning Herald after a politican used the word "childless" as an insult to one of his opponents. And apparently he hasn't been the only one.<br />
<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/society-and-culture/put-a-stop-now-to-mother-of-all-insults-20120305-1ue69.html" target="_blank">Click here for the article</a> <br />
<br />
On a personal note, our anniversary weekend was fabulous!! We stayed in a hotel in the city for the night, started with champagne in our room, then to the cocktail bar, then went out for dinner. After dinner we went to some wine bars and walked the strip seeing the sites. <br />
In the morning, we started with champagne for breakfast (!) and then headed to the Pancake Kitchen. After that we did some shopping, lay on the grass by the river for an hour or so, had lunch and then headed home. <br />
We had a great time and we definitely be doing something like that again! A tradition has started!<br />
<br />
<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-31086442008442561952013-10-18T08:36:00.001+10:302013-10-18T08:38:42.230+10:30Making choices.Last Tuesday my car broke down. It just turned off. All of a sudden, I realised that I was no longer driving the car, it was just still being propelled by momentum. Talk about a metaphor for my life! I pulled over. It wasn't in a good spot, but I couldn't push it back away from the intersection. DH was at volleyball. I left my phone home. Fortunately, I was in walking distance from my place, so I walked back and got my neighbour to help me get it out of the way.<br />
<br />
It was night. I was just returning a DVD. I should have picked up the dog for protection when I went back home. Everything was fine of course, but I don't like being by myself when I'm out at night. I walked to the DVD store which was only 15 minutes away. I kept to the street lights and away from hidden places. I called the RAA (roadside assistance) on the way back to the car.<br />
<br />
I only waited at the car for about 20 minutes, but in that time, my anxiety levels started to increase. I had my book with me, but I kept glancing around to see what was going on. Soon enough, the RAA fixed the car (at least temporarily) and I was back home.<br />
<br />
I suffer from anxiety, I have for years. I get panic attacks and chest pains. Most of the time I manage it well and I haven't really had a problem for a few months. After the events of Tuesday night, it has all returned. By Friday, I had my first panic attack in the middle of the night and I curled up to DH for comfort.<br />
<br />
Today, not only have I been battling the anxiety, but the depression has also set in. You see, that one is also a problem for me as well. Runs in the family actually. Both my brother and my Dad. Naturopathy has helped me a great deal in managing both. <br />
<br />
It's not surprising that these two are surfacing strongly. There's nothing like realising that you aren't ever going to be a mother to trigger all the difficult emotions.<br />
<br />
When DH returned home from work, both feelings lifted. I was quite amazed. Never has that happened to that extent before. All of a sudden I wasn't depressed! However, when we went to bed, I struggled again with a panic attack. The moment I would begin to drift off to sleep, bang, there it was. Having DH laying next to me, even if he was asleep(!), was the only thing that got me through it.<br />
<br />
Now, it's the next morning. DH has gone to work and both anxiety and depression are back with force.<br />
<br />
The fact that my depression completely lifted when my husband came home, made me realise how much I am struggling without him. He is hardly at home at the moment. Work is overwhelming him and he can't seem to get on top of it. He is travelling a lot and working long hours. There is nothing we can do to change the situation at the moment. We just need to ride through it and I help him as much as I can. That, on top of what we are going through already, is not a good combination. In two weeks, he leaves for Italy for three weeks. God knows how I am going to cope with that.<br />
<br />
Today is going to be about choices. I have no choice in being childless. But I can try really hard to make good choices about my day. To get off the couch and do the washing. To clean the house and begin to feel better about my environment. To spend some time in the garden. To not give into the overwhelming need I have to comfort eat. Please can't I just shrivel into a ball and stay that way?!<br />
<br />
I suppose I'll report in later and let you know how the day went. Perhaps knowing I will do that, will give me more motivation to want to provide a good report!<br />
<br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
xxx<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-49162928362399125032013-10-15T19:56:00.001+10:302013-10-15T19:56:13.242+10:30Books, society and differences.The last few weeks have seen me devouring three popular books regarding childlessness and infertility. I've read them in the following order.<br />
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Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><a href="http://lifewithoutbaby.com/book/" target="_blank">Lisa Manterfield</a> - "I'm taking my eggs and going home."</li>
<li><a href="http://www.silentsorority.com/">Pamela
Tsigdinos</a> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- “Silent Sorority: A
Barren <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Wom</span>an Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found.” </li>
<li><a href="http://www.miriamzoll.net/">Miriam Zoll</a>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Cracked Open: Liberty, Fertility and the
Pursuit of High-Tech Babies.”</li>
</ol>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> The first two books I couldn't put down. I was totally enthralled in the stories of these women's lives and the experiences they had. They are fantastic books!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I must admit though, at the end of Lisa's book, I was really disappointed. You see, I was looking for her experiences and insights from after she made the decision to stop treatments. I was looking for how she handled life once the door to motherhood was slammed closed for good. Sections about the difficulties of treatments were skimmed over as I searched for the next chapter in life. When the book finished and there was nothing about the months or years post treatments, frustration set in. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">So when Pamela's book shifted into that gear fairly soon, I was thrilled. Finally, some insight into where I am in my life right now.</span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I'm only 17% into Miriam's book. It's definitely going to be a different type of read. More facts and statistics about infertility - both with our understanding of it, the treatment of it, and the fertility industry. However, I just know I'm still going to devour her story just as much as I did Lisa's and Pamela's.</span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">From all of this reading as well as the many blogs and forums I have been submerging myself in, I have begun to see both differences and similarities in my story compared to others.</span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">The biggest difference so far is my experiences with society. I don't seem to have felt the same level of judgement that so many others have. I have given this much thought and there seem to be several factors that could account for this.</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Is it because Australian society is different to say, American society, for example? Do we, as a nation, not place the same expectations on society as a whole? Are we more easy going with peoples life choices? Not so stuck in the dogma of tradition and that life must be a certain way? Certainly life is geared towards the family but that doesn't mean there is judgement placed on those that don't have children.<br /><br /></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Or is it my social circle? My nearest and dearest are all career women who began their families in their 20's. Yet not once, have I ever felt judged by them. Our friendships most definitely changed as their lives began to spin around juggling career and families, but there wasn't ever any purposeful casting out, just changing circumstances.<br /><br /></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Then there is my career. I am a musician, being an instrumental teacher for the most part. A fairly solitary career at it's core. We travel from school to school teaching a day here and a day there, so we aren't truly a part of any school social setting. And our teaching is mostly one on one with the students. No judgement there! So I guess, in contrast to those who work in a office setting with the same people everyday, there isn't the same situation of office talk and pregnancy in your face.<br /><br /></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Perhaps a big part of the difference is that because of my long term issues with eating and weight, I have been constantly and cruelly judged and ostracized by society for all of my adult life, so much so, that the issue of being childless fades into the background. Unlike infertility, there is nothing hidden about being a larger build and the prejudice around that is detrimental and interferes with every aspect of ones life. The many factors surrounding this addiction, to an extent, also saw me retreat from the world at large, so maybe I haven't found myself in the firing line of being judged for singledom and childlessness as much as others have been. <br /> </span></li>
<li><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Lastly, I think that for me, I was single for a long time before I met DH. There were relationships, but none that brought about the question of children. People accepted that. I never got the attitude of "you better hurry up and find someone, so you can have kids". When I met DH, we started trying to have children before we even got engaged. Getting married was always going to happen, there was no hurry. But because of my age, we knew we needed to start trying to have children soon. <br />So before I could receive the "when are you going to have children", "why don't you have children, it's the best thing I've ever done" comments, people already knew we were doing IVF.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I think for me the issue is more of society, through it's daily life, reminding me of my heartache over not having children. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Not feeling judged as much as others have
been, doesn't take away that heartache. Society is still built around
families and we can't escape that. Pregnancy announcements, bouncing
babies, the joys of parenthood. The pain I feel at seeing other people live out my dream of motherhood is replicated in every blog I have read over the last couple of months. It is always there staring us in the
face and reminding us of what we can never have for ourselves.</span></span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It is a confusing topic to say the least. There are so many possible factors for the cause of the differences I have felt over societies reactions. I feel for every woman out there who has been subjected to that along with the pain of the daily reminders. I hope it is something that can be changed through conversation and education and I am definitely an advocate for speaking out.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i><b>I would love to hear your thoughts on all this. My understanding of this issue is far from finished!! Not to mention the experiences that are still to come that might change my perception.</b></i></span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i><b> </b></i></span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i><b>Have you felt societies judgements? Or has it also been different for you? If so, how was it different?</b></i> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<br />
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Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-60422388800439665942013-10-14T10:50:00.000+10:302013-10-14T10:50:38.728+10:30The gender differences toward healingYesterday I discovered that when I showed my husband <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bringing-infertility-into-public-forum.html" target="_blank">Aisha Tyler's video</a>, it really set him him back in his healing. I knew it made him sad to see it, as it did myself. But I didn't know it actually made things worse for him.<br />
<br />
Men and Women. We are so different in how we need to handle things.<br />
<br />
For me, reading, watching, talking and blogging about childlessness is helping me work my way through the grief. It is helping me to understand my emotions and how I feel about the many issues associated with this journey. Connecting with other women who are going through, or have gone through this, is a really important part of the grieving and healing process. As is crying over someone elses story, like Aisha Tyler. <br />
<br />
For my husband, it is an altogether different story. Talking about it, hearing about it, reading about it. All these things make it worse for him. He needs to let take time him through the process. He needs space to allow the emotions to work their way through. He doesn't need to be reminded it about over and over. He doesn't need to immerse himself other people's stories.<br />
<br />
He rightly believes that everyone's experiences are different, and what we are going through as a couple and individuals is unique to us. And that is true. So for him, there is no point in hearing about others. It only provides a constant reminder that we are going through something awful. And he gets enough of that just from daily living in our society, let alone from his own emotions and thoughts. <br />
<br />
In contrast, for me it helps enormously. As I am reading other peoples stories and hearing their opinions and experiences, I am discovering what is true for me individually. I am agreeing with some things, and not agreeing with others. I am experiencing the same things as some people and not having the same experiences as some others. Instead of just living with confusing and overwhelming emotions, I am gaining structure and understanding to my grief. And I am learning a lot about myself along the way. <br />
<br />
I greatly respect my husbands needs and, as such, I don't bring it up very often. But every now and then, it all just overwhelms me and I need to talk to him. He understands this just as much as I understand his need for silence. And he agrees that is important for us to talk about this as a couple. So, we are gradually finding a balance. When I really need to talk, he is fine with that. And I respect the fact that if I talk about it too much, it will drive him crazy!! Thank goodness for this blogging outlet!<br />
<br />
Our talks can be stilted for a while, and then I will suddenly find out some amazing revelations about what he is going through. I love finding out how he is feeling and what he is experiencing. I love it when we connect on the same things, but I also appreciate it when I found out that something is so very different for him than it is for me. I treasure learning more about him. Each thing I discover strengthens my understanding of him and increases my respect for his own individual journey.<br />
<br />
Our first wedding anniversary is this weekend. We've been together six years and started trying to conceive several years before we got married. But still, the end of the parenthood dream has been a huge issue for us to have to go through in this first year of marriage. My only hope is that it brings us closer together. <br />
<br />
<i><b>This is such a complex issue - the gender differences toward healing.</b></i><br />
<br />
<i><b>What has been your experience in the differences between how you and your partners have dealt with grieving the loss of parenthood? </b></i><br />
<br />
<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-54894917260052511512013-10-12T10:14:00.000+10:302013-10-12T10:14:06.887+10:30In Memoriam<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
For the last few days I have been remembering our unborn
child from my 12 week pregnancy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A name
kept forming in my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sophie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve named her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sophie Z.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can picture what she looked like on the screen at our 10 ½ week
ultrasound sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember her kicking
her legs and waving her arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
watching and listening to her heartbeat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was such a happy and amazing experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have wondered why I have been thinking about her so much
in the last few days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today I have come to
the belief that it is probably as a result of our decision to discontinue treatments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I am remembering her as the only child of
our own that I will ever know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Genetic testing told us not only that Sophie was a girl, but
also that she had Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards Syndrome. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trisomy 18 is similar to Downs Syndrome in that
it is an extra chromosome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While Downs
Syndrome children have an extra chromosome 21, Edwards Syndrome babies have an
extra chromosome 18.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is unusual for babies with this condition to make it to
full term.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those that do are either
still born or die within the first week of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Occasionally some make it further than that, but
it is rare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While there were also other
reasons for my infertility, a large factor is the age of my eggs and the resulting
genetic damage that occurs as they age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our chances of finding a good egg are so minimal, but with all the
medical assistance we were getting, Sophie was able to battle on for a little
while.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Looking back now, I know the moment that she died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had started to feel little flutters in my
uterus which the doctors told me were her moving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Obviously it was too early to feel any solid
movements but I was told that these little flutters were common to feel in the
early stage of pregnancy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One day, whilst I was laying down resting, I felt the
strongest flutter of all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It brought a
smile to my face and I was so happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
the days passed, I didn’t feel it again and I also no longer felt a connection to
the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t think too much of it
though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d never been this far into a pregnancy
before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know what to expect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I had been imagining the early feelings
I had of conversing with Sophie and being aware of her energy inside me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started feeling that the whole pregnancy was surreal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all that we had been through, I thought
perhaps it fairly normal that I felt that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all, it had been four years of failed attempts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a dream come true to have finally been
successful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I didn’t know
consciously, was that Sophie had died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I believe that someplace, deep inside my soul, I did know, and that
is why it had all started to feel surreal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After the dating scan and then the post mortem testing, I know now, from
the bottom of my heart, that the last flutter I felt, was the moment she passed
on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
.................... </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been 24 hours since I wrote this memoir to our baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking of her has given me something to
hold on to through this grief and heartache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have held her close to my heart and remembered how much I loved her in
just the short time that she survived. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think how wonderful it would have been to hold her in my arms, to watch her
play with her father and to see her grow up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it wasn’t meant to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>DH and I met too late in life and my ability to have children has passed
it’s used by date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking about Sophie
and all our other lost embryos is painful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a nickname for our last frozen embryo –
Nemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our last loss.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is so important for us all to acknowledge what never came
to be. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to heal we can’t keep
inside us what a big loss it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
embryos and pregnancies were the early stages of life, the early stages of our
children that never had a chance. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is important to talk to others about our journey in
trying to become parents, the depth of the emotions at our failure and the desperate
heartache in losing, not only our potential children, but our dreams of
parenthood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hurts so much that what
was created never came to be, that we never got to spend time with our offspring, to hold them, to care for them and to have created warm and
special memories of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our nests were
never full.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart aches for that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To Sophie, Nemo, and all the others – you will be in our
hearts forever.</div>
Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-91481849513013232402013-10-04T19:41:00.000+09:302013-10-04T19:41:45.651+09:30If I fake it, will I make it?The <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/a-little-emotional-rollercoaster.html" target="_blank">events of Tuesday</a> really messed with me. Finding myself back in the world of hope for just an hour or two, twisted my heart and brain into knots. I woke up yesterday with such a severe depression that it took a midday call to my Mother to come and visit, before I could even get out of bed.<br />
<br />
I started to wonder if these last few weeks I have been doing the "fake it till you make it" thing. I've been striving to <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-positives-of-being-childfree.html" target="_blank">find the positive</a>, to <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/words-of-wisdom.html" target="_blank">rejoice at the new world</a> that is before me, to look forward to all <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/beyond-dream-of-motherhood.html" target="_blank">the many things that I will be able to do</a>. <br />
<br />
<br />
I truly wonder though...<br />
<br />
Will I really "make it"?<br />
<br />
I took some time to look back through my posts to where I was being positive and <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com/2013/09/peacefulness.html" target="_blank">feeling peaceful </a>with life. To when I was <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/loss-of-purpose.html" target="_blank">accepting of how things were</a>.<br />
<br />
It was good reading those words. They were genuine and heartfelt and truly representative of where I was. But I'm not there anymore. What's happened?<br />
<br />
....... <br />
<br />
I've been sitting on this question for a while now. I have some thoughts formulating along with some solutions. They are brewing away gradually finding some coherency!<br />
<br />
I do know though, that when I wrote those words, that is truly how I was feeling. I wasn't "faking it". And I guess at some point, I will move back into that place again.<br />
<br />
The most important thing to me, is my relationship with my dear husband. It is <i>our life together, </i>the two of us, that is the key to everything. Infertility is such a hard thing to pull through. It inevitably puts a strain on ones relationship. No matter how strong the relationship is, having to deal with such grief and heartache and loss of dreams, is tough. Dealing with your own individual emotions sometimes means that you unwittingly pull back and distance yourself. <br />
<br />
From my husbands perspective, it was overwhelming to the point of not understanding what was going on and not being able to talk about it at all. Seeing the fertility therapist has helped him to understand what is going on for him and he is now able to begin moving forward and also be able to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts.<br />
<br />
At this point I don't know if I will "make it". I don't feel any sense of being happy with a life with no children. I feel only that I will make the best of a bad situation.<br />
<br />
I still most definitely see the advantages of being childfree. Even my mother said today, that as each year passes and I head towards 50, it is only going to get harder for me to deal with having a newborn, then an infant etc. I sense that. I truly do. I was exhausted after having my great nephew today.<br />
<br />
So, that just leaves me on the fence. The negatives and positives swaying back and forth on the seesaw of childlessness. Sometimes I will sit on the ground and look up at a weightless childlessness issue with completeness acceptance and serenity. At other times, the weight of childlessness will drop down and fling me up and over the seesaw to land on my face.<br />
<br />
So, if I fake it, will I make it? Possibly. But right now, I just can't bring myself to fake it. And while it feels awful, it's okay to be in this place for a little while.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-1364428465008014172013-10-01T18:09:00.000+09:302013-10-01T18:09:03.245+09:30A little emotional rollercoasterWell today brought about a little emotional roller coaster ride that has left me feeling rather flat and thoughtful with the need to work through what's happened..<br />
<br />
On Sunday, I started my new cycle. Everything seemed normal. I was earlier than usual but was very grateful for that because it meant my period would be over and done with by the time we go camping this weekend.<br />
<br />
By Monday, I was thinking that something wasn't right. I had stopped bleeding and was just brown spotting. <br />
<br />
By Tuesday morning (today), there was nothing.<br />
<br />
It reminded me of an experience we had last year. I had what I thought was my period, but it was unusual. We started an IVF cycle only to discover about 5 days into it that I was pregnant. The drugs we had taken so far would not have affected the pregnancy. But the pregnancy spent the next few weeks hanging on but just not going anywhere. My HCG levels keep plodding along - rising only 20 or 30 every couple of days. It was long and drawn out process when we knew it wasn't working right from the beginning. And of course, my hormones were all over the place from the drugs taken before we knew about the pregnancy and then the drugs I changed to after we got the positive.<br />
<br />
This period reminded me of that. What was going on?? The amazing thing was - I had my appointment with the fertility therapist today at the clinic. I could get it checked out. And then a minute after I sat down in the waiting room, our doctor came out and said hello! What the??? Can you believe it??!! The timing of it all.<br />
<br />
So she organised a blood test and then I waited.<br />
<br />
When I first thought I might be pregnant, it was "oh no, I don't want to go through that again. I couldn't bear it". I told the doctor so as well... and the nurse.<br />
<br />
Then as the afternoon wore on, my emotions started to shift. I felt sure it was an implantation. Then I started imagining a little life starting inside me. And before I knew it, I was hoping it would be so. The hope was back. Oh no. All of a sudden, I'm back on the other side. All of a sudden, I'm imagining the old dream of a life with baby. <br />
<br />
Then I get the phone call. I'm definitely at the start of a new cycle. No explanation for this strange period. Just one of those things.<br />
<br />
I feel deflated. I'm not pregnant. Did I really expect to be? No, I didn't. Not at all. But to go from not wanting to be to be pregnant to being back in the old headspace again. A little emotional rollercoaster.<br />
<br />
DH isn't home tonight. He is away with work. I'll be fine. I'm sure I will recover quickly from this. I just can't believe how easy it was to flip back to the dreams and the hopes. I thought they had been ripped away for good. I have delved so much into the positives of being childfree, and been so glad to be avoiding many of the issues that we would have with childraising, that it surprised me when the old hopes and dreams returned.<br />
<br />
I guess this is a good lesson in living in the moment. It's a good lesson in not trying to put any label on where I am in my journey. It's a good lesson in taking things as they come and realising that nothing is permanent, that our thoughts and feelings and position in life can be very fragile and subject to quick change. And that's OK. <br />
<br />
The important thing is to keep learning from our experiences, to keep growing and evolving. To be flexible and allow change to flow through our lives without fighting it.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-16370032647857281792013-10-01T13:43:00.000+09:302013-10-01T13:43:10.278+09:30Post Fertility Books?Just a quick post to ask a question.<br />
<br />
Aside from Pamela's book Silent Sorority and Miriam Zolls book, does anyone know of any other childless/free books about recovering from failed fertility treatments and learning to live childfree??<br />
<br />
I saw the fertility therapist today and she was amazed at what I told her about our blogging community. She has several couples trying to deal with the same issues with no support structure and no community to which to turn. She is going to recommend blogging to them!<br />
<br />
I told her that I had started a list of books that I wanted to read and would send it to her, only to look at my list and see a total of two!<br />
<br />
Surely there are more out there?????? <br />
<br />
Anyone??<br />
<br />
xxxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-9948019605383135322013-09-30T17:01:00.000+09:302013-09-30T17:01:22.852+09:30BefuddlementToday I find myself in a strange place of befuddlement. I'm finding myself confused by the shifting direction of my life and the many changes that have occurred not just in my lifestyle but in who I am and what I do in my life. My interests have changed, my activities have changed. They are all really good things. But the suddenness of these changes is leaving me dizzy.<br />
<br />
And then there is the complete turnaround of my desires. Just last year, nothing mattered more to me than being a mother. I was determined to achieve our goal, doing everything necessary to try and get there. Nothing else mattered. And just a few months ago, I was pregnant and looking forward to finally achieving our dreams. <br />
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Now all of a sudden I find myself childless, I don't want to be pregnant ever again, I never want hormone injections again and thought of starting a new life with a baby is something I'm finding that I don't want. I'm 44 and I just can't imagine dealing with a pregnancy, being up all night and having my life consumed by a baby, then a non-stop toddler when I'm in my late 40's, and then being a mother to a teenager when I'm 60 years old! My life has been flipped over and around and I'm freaking out just a little bit.<br />
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If we had gotten pregnant not long after we started, things would be a completely different story. I was ready for that life, I wanted that life, I longed for that life. <br />
<br />
Now, with all the experiences of the last four years, in particular the last four months, everything is different.<br />
<br />
I don't know whether to be terribly upset or terribly relieved. I'm both all at the same time and how dizzying is that????!!!!<br />
<br />
I think about a large portion of my work and my work colleagues and I don't want to go back to that world. It just isn't me anymore. How confusing is that? I've been doing it for 25 years. Part of me feels like I should stay involved, stay part of the community, stay connected to that. But most of me is glad. I had been drifting away for a while and these last few months have just solidified it. There is only one area of that work that I have chosen to keep and in that area I have actually put feelers out to get more involved, but in a different capacity. Go figure!<br />
<br />
Even in just this last week, my thoughts and feelings are shifting quickly. I think of a comment I left just a few days ago to another bloggers post, and already my thoughts have changed. As I read more and more of others experiences and as I experience more things and feel more emotions myself, my understandings and viewpoints are evolving. It's overwhelming and befuddling.<br />
<br />
DH and I have come to one decision. There will be no more IVF treatments. The chances of us succeeding are only 5% and to go through all that, spend all that, and then have to go through the emotions again of probably not succeeding, is just too much. Not to mention the fact that we are both feeling the issue of us just beginning to raise a child at our age. It's all crazy.<br />
<br />
Of course, then I think of all the grandparents out there raising their grandchildren. It's hard but they do it. But then they also have experience behind them. We are going in blind and tired and defeated from all that has happened.<br />
<br />
So today there are no words of wisdom or lists of positivity, no continued efforts to try and understand what is happening, there is just one whirling brain who wants to get off the ride.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-16448041666197042242013-09-27T17:24:00.002+09:302013-09-27T17:24:52.353+09:30Babysitting modeMy niece called me this morning. It was babysitting afternoon. I had forgotten. I love my great nephew to bits and I love spending time with him. Babysitting day has always been an absolute blessing. Today however, I found myself becoming really annoyed and irritated that I had to shift into baby mode.<br />
<br />
I didn't want to go there. I had others things I wanted to do. Things that were on the positive childfree list as well as paperwork that needed to be finished. It hurt too much to think of being in baby mode. I've spent the last week actively adjusting to being childfree and trying to be okay with it. I've been actively seeking to see the freedom of childlessness as a blessing. Now I had to shift back to joyful baby mode.<br />
<br />
As the time drifted around to leave, I was feeling better. I had completed a large portion of the paperwork and I had successfully baked my first loaf of spelt bread in the breadmaker without it collapsing! I was excited by that and a little less stressed having done some paperwork. I still wasn't wanting to shift into baby mode. But it presented with a sigh rather than with annoyance.<br />
<br />
Upon arriving on the doorstep, I could hear my niece doing the excited baby talk "who's at the door, L?" and the annoyance came back. I wasn't annoyed at being there per se, I was just annoyed at the situation. <br />
<br />
Then my niece proceeded to tell me all about her sister-in-laws pregnancy and how she is about to give birth. A brief history is needed to tell you that her SIL got pregnant two weeks before I did. She had a similar story in that it was also her 4th IVF round. So, to hear about her about to receive her child is probably the biggest stab in the heart ever. It is simply a reminder that I would have been about to be a mother as well if we had not lost our child at 12 weeks pregnant.<br />
<br />
It's awful to say, but I think her baby will always be a reminder of our loss. I sincerely hope that feeling passes but really, will it??<br />
<br />
My annoyance stayed until my niece left and then it became time for play. L and I had a great time playing with his toys. He is a great kid! There were times though when I felt gratitude that not every day of my life had to be spent with kiddy play! After a while, he wanted to eat and then it was time for a nap. He fell asleep on my chest while having his bottle.<br />
<br />
This experience brought the tears. I feel so much love for that boy and having him curled up asleep on my chest was just too much. We will never experience that with our own child. I will never have that mother/child bond that is so strong and heartwarming. Instead I will feel it from time to time without it truly being mine. And then have to walk away from it.<br />
<br />
Even now that I am home, the tears are still there. The sadness is deep. While I am so grateful to be a great aunt to him, to be able to spend time with him and to be developing a fantastic bond, there is no way to spin how I am feeling into a positive thing. I just hope that this feeling soon passes because what I don't want, is for this to be a block in my relationship with him as he gets older.<br />
<br />
It's been a difficult afternoon. I'm glad to be able to blog about it to a compassionate community who truly understand what it feels like. Thank you.<br />
<br />
To help with my emotions now - I am off to bake!!!<br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
xxxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-86886268429449480032013-09-26T11:08:00.001+09:302013-09-26T11:08:29.891+09:30Bringing infertility into the public forum<div style="text-align: left;">
Just 5 minutes after writing my<a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/infertility-stories-and-world-of.html" target="_blank"> last post,</a> I popped on over to Loribeths blog <a href="http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Road Less Travelled</a>, to an amazing post sharing Aisha Tyler's public revealing of her unsuccessful infertility struggles on The Talk. I couldn't believe that just after I wrote a post on the lack of available unsuccessful IF stories, there was one on public television. If I still believed in signs (that's another post!), I would say that this was one sign leading me back on to the path of acceptance of being childfree.</div>
<br />
After being really excited about the video, I then watched it to tears streaming down my face. This was OUR story, right where we are right now. The devastation at making the choice to not continue with the treatments, the open wound that needs healing before any other decisions can be made, the heartache at not being able to see the man you love being the wonderful father that you know he would be.<br />
<br />
It is so important to me to share this story. The first initial links that I clicked on have opened up to me a world of women who are braving the stigma of childlessness and bringing this hidden issue out of isolation and into the public forum. I have great admiration for these women and look forward to exploring their missions and their words.<br />
<br />
I did a search for Aisha and there was a follow up video to this conversation. She received such an outpouring of support and twitters to her story that she was overwhelmed with it all. The biggest thing was how many people wrote to her saying that they were going through the exact same thing - both men and women - and how grateful they were to her for putting a voice to their struggles. The men were particularly grateful to her for putting their voice out there, for her expression of the males side of things as well.<br />
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Thank you Aisha for sharing your personal story to the world. <br />
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<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-76576497823556713802013-09-26T09:51:00.000+09:302013-09-26T17:13:10.299+09:30Infertility stories and the world of childlessnessToday I started a word document listing the infertility books that have been recommended reads by many of my fellow bloggers.<br />
<br />
I went to save it and realised I don't have an infertility folder. I have a parenting folder and a pregnancy folder but not one was labelled "infertility".<br />
<br />
I spent 5 minutes pondering over this. How can I have gotten through 4 and a half years of infertility and not have a folder. Then I realised. All my IF information is in my pregnancy folder. Why? Because I never once doubted that we would succeed. I never once doubted all those success stories regarding over 40 women. <br />
<br />
Can I just say? - I hate not being one of the success stories. I hate it. To work so hard at a dream and not achieve. To realise that you aren't going to be one of the success stories that you read about everywhere. "You can get pregnant over 40". NOT.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>[Please forgive the mild anger I feel brewing as I write these words. I work so hard at seeing the positive, anger is not a comfortable emotion for me. Yet, I know it is to be expected and is in fact probably a healthy emotion to go through in a situation like this. I also know how important it is to let it out in order to let it go. So, as much as I dislike it, I won't back off from it. Lets see where it goes...]</i><br />
<br />
<br />
The stories that I hate the most - the magazine articles with a big flashy covers saying 'my big infertility struggles'. You turn to the article expecting to find someone who has truly struggled to conceive. Only to read that it only took them a year to get pregnant or that they had to endure one IVF round and then they were pregnant. And the article is surrounded with photos of the couple and their beautiful bouncing baby.<br />
<br />
One IVF round and one year is no struggle. After our first year of infertility, I was still comfortably hopeful and positive. Yes, we had gone through one upsetting miscarriage but I wasn't worried. Most women go through a miscarriage at some stage. "So, it will take a bit longer" I thought. It wasn't until after the second and then the third year that the true struggles really began. When the third early miscarriage and finally a 'beginning of second trimester' miscarriage wring you dry. The heartache setting in, the body wearing out, the guilt beginning to plague, the torment of seeing those around you fall pregnant (some for a second and third time).<br />
<br />
This is when the struggles begin. This is where the true stories are.<br />
<br />
<br />
So, where are all the failure to conceive over 40 stories? Not publicly displayed that is for sure! <br />
<br />
I did a google search on "unsuccessful fertility stories over 40". Talk about demoralising. The search was full of all the success stories. There was only one link on that page related to my search. One. With great interest I clicked on the link. What do I see? A picture of an older women holding her baby. A success story. What the?! And worse still, a collection of accidental pregnancy stories of women over 40 with the author negating the need for IVF saying that there is no reason women in their 40's can't get pregnant.<br />
<br />
No reason? For goodness sake. There is every reason. How about the main factor for me - not being able to find an egg that isn't age damaged in some way? Or an aging womb that is not quite able to recognise the natural signs or the women whose older wombs just can't carry to term.<br />
<br />
With both DH and I being into natural remedies, we trod that path first without success. Natural remedies does not change the biological aging facts. IVF was the only option for us. Upon reflection, I wish we had skipped the natural remedies and gotten straight down to the IVF while I was still 40. <br />
<br />
The chances of pregnancy success at 40 is only 10% dropping down to 5% at 44, and 2% at 45. My fertility doctors stats show that. This is a doctor who does not give up hope, who looks for every possible reason and finds them, who works hard to find the good eggs. But not even she can change the fact. She has only one story of complete success to share with us. A women who failed in IVF rounds but eventually fell pregnant naturally and gave birth at 47!<br />
<br />
Now consider the amount of over 40 women she sees. The odds are, that eventually one will work. Now consider the amount of over 40 women around the world who are trying to get pregnant. Millions? If only 5% of them are successful, then that is a LOT of stories. But 95% more are unsuccessful stories. Where are they?<br />
<br />
People don't want to read about the failures. Especially women who are still holding the dream. I know that I didn't want to read stories of failure when I so desperately wanted to succeed. It is only now, as I begin to walk the path of childlessness, that I am finding amazing women who are living their lives having lost the battle. Who have picked themselves up and moved on. Who are finding a joyful life without children.<br />
<br />
The world of childlessness may be a hidden world for now, but I believe that it is a good world. It may be a world that the majority of the population don't understand, but it is a world of many rewards. It's a world of self-exploration and freedom in so many ways.<br />
<br />
For me, it is currently a world that is also dotted with waring emotions. The anger I felt earlier has now filtered down into sadness. Sadness for our lost dreams, sadness for the loss of hope and purpose. Right at this minute, I need to live with that sadness, but I look forward to finding once more the joy and wonder of life that will come with all <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-positives-of-being-childfree.html" target="_blank">the positives of being childfree.</a>Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-10834727358634922752013-09-25T17:28:00.000+09:302013-09-25T17:28:45.707+09:30The positives of being childfreeOne of the biggest issues keeping me feeling good about being on the childfree path is all the positives associated with not having children. While occasionally we can get a metaphoric stab in the heart from the circumstances surrounding us, more often than not, I am being reminded of the blessings of not having children.<br />
<br />
For me, it began with being able to return to my normal habits and many of the simple pleasures that I enjoy. <br />
<ul>
<li>While trying to get pregnant, there was no alcohol in the last two weeks of my cycle and limited alcohol for the rest of the time. As a wine lover, with my husband in the wine industry sometimes bringing home top quality wines that his customers have given him, this has been particularly cruel!!</li>
<li>There was abstaining from soft cheeses, cold meats and worst of all, my herbal teas! </li>
<li>I've never been a tea or coffee drinker but I love drinking herbal teas. And when we bought our fantastic teapot it was even worse not to be able to use it when there was a chance that I was pregnant.</li>
<li>And I am looking forward, with great anticipation and excitement, to buying my next shampoo, where I will not just buy the organic base but add all my gorgeous essential oils! I had eliminated essential oils from topical and internal use just in case it caused any problems. (Same as with herbal teas). I love my oils in the shampoo and conditioner!! I can't wait for the aromas to assail me and the benefits to my hair be seen once more!</li>
<li>I'm loving having no restrictions placed on my activities. I can be as active as I want - climbing the hills and letting my body temperature get high, pulling weeds and activating, to the full extent, all my core muscles, moving furniture and picking up heavy items.</li>
<li>Spas! </li>
<li>There is that one negative though, of having to go to back to cleaning up the cat poo!!!! :) DH has been doing it for the last 4 and a half years!! :)</li>
</ul>
<br />
There have been many times over the last few weeks when I have said "We couldn't do that if we had children" or "Thank goodness we don't have to deal with that!" or on some evenings "Gosh, I'm so tired tonight. Imagine if we had kids to look after as well" <br />
<ul>
<li><b><i>Peacefulness</i></b>. Today at the pool, I was changing into my bathers and two mothers were showering with their children. Arguments, tears, flashes of anger at children not following instructions and the resulting consequences of injuring themselves. I was so enjoying not having to deal with all of that.</li>
<li><i><b>Sanity.</b></i> No endless reruns of the Wiggles! - and other such child entertainment!!! :) :) </li>
<li><i><b>Less worry.</b></i>
There are so many worries with being responsible for taking care of
those little bundles and still so many (or more!) when they are big
bundles.</li>
<li><b><i>Mobility. </i></b>Running errands. I love being able to slip down to the shops to pick up some groceries or buy an outfit. No stress, no major preparation of toys and diaper bags etc etc, none of the other issues that need to be dealt with when children are involved. A quick decision, lock the house and I'm gone. No screaming kids, no can I have this, can I have that, no running off, no taking an hour to do what can be done in 10 minutes!!</li>
<li><i><b>Holidays</b></i>. Relaxed cruising, weekends away, peaceful nature, just the two of us.</li>
<li><i><b>Home impr</b></i><i><b>ovement.</b></i> Being able to put a water feature in the backyard. We have been avoiding this one because we didn't want to have one if there was a possibility of children falling in. We can do that now!</li>
<li><i><b>Time to relax.</b></i> Coming home from a big day at work and sitting down and relaxing for a while. Aaahhh... <br /> One of my friends, a school teacher, is currently going mad with her boys fighting from the moment she drives them home. She just wants some quiet and some down time to recover from the day before starting on the cooking, and the homework etc. etc. Just 10 minutes to herself would be lovely, she says.<br />I so treasure the time I have to myself and the time that we are able to spend together whether it be just chilling out, having fun, going bushwalking or activities such as building raised garden beds and fencing.</li>
<li><i><b>Time. </b></i>For so many things. For self-improvement, time to work on relationships, to clean the house, to just dilly dally!</li>
<li><i><b>Freedom.</b></i> The freedom to pursue all sorts of hobbies and interests and dreams. Baking whenever I want, gardening, blogging, researching.</li>
<li><i><b>Finances</b></i>. Greater financial freedom!</li>
<li><i><b>Flexibility</b></i>. The ability to make decisions on a whim, to change your plans and timetable, to work non-standard hours</li>
<li><i><b>Sleep</b></i><i><b>ing in.</b></i> No more needs to be said!!</li>
</ul>
I know I could probably write an equally long list of the joys of children. Except that you can't have the joys of children, without also having the above difficulties! <br />
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The thought of the life of freedom that we may have ahead of us is peaceful and exciting and a really good reason for taking the path of being childfree.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-6474465252653348192013-09-20T21:09:00.000+09:302013-09-20T21:19:27.792+09:30Keeping the peacefulnessYesterday I wrote about how, at the moment, I am feeling peaceful about where we are in our IF journey. I still feel that way and I am so grateful.<br />
<br />
I wonder though, are we ever truly at peace with it?<br />
Is our sense of peace constantly interrupted by the dreams and expectations of those around us?<br />
Of societies standards? <br />
Or does the dream of children never truly leave us?<br />
Is it a biological need that we can't remove? <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #446614;"><span style="color: white;">Kathleen Guthrie Woods over at</span><b> <a href="http://lifewithoutbaby.com/" target="_blank">Life Without Baby</a> </b></span>describes herself as "mostly at peace with her childfree status"<br />
<br />
Right now, I feel that I am at peace. But I expect that may change just as surely as the days change and our emotions shift and flow through their neverending evolution.<br />
<br />
How can it not? The childfree blogging world is filled with stories and comments on how the world around us doesn't accept the childfree status. "Keep trying", "Don't give up", "Miracles do happen", "Having children was the best thing I ever did".<br />
<br />
I would expect that it would be difficult to remain peaceful when we are surrounded by societies expectations. Yet, I must admit, I don't really feel that too much.<br />
<br />
I think with my friends, that once we reach the end of our IF journey, our friends will reach the same acceptance as well. Their hopes and dreams for us have been a reflection and support of our own hopes and dreams. They have children, they know we want children, they have the same hopes and dreams for us. At least on the surface, I don't believe they will continue to put that expectation upon us.<br />
<br />
Some of my family members may be a bit different. With my friends, their dreams are for us. With some family members, their dreams of us having children are for them as well. Some may not be able to give up on their own dream of our potential children. I think that has the possibility to continue to be a stab in the heart.<br />
<br />
I was talking to one of my closest friends the other night. She is the one friend who would have done anything to help us get pregnant. She wanted that for us so much. Her depth of friendship was incredible - to the point of not only offering her eggs but also offering to carry our child for us, if necessary with her egg and DH sperm. She was incredible. However, she is also my age and it was not a possibility. But her offering was one of the most heartwarming and loving things that I have ever experienced.<br />
<br />
Her thoughts were that everyone has something completely profound and painful in their life that they have to live with. Something that also constantly stabs them in the heart throughout their life. Whether it be losing a child, or losing a loved one. It may be the end of marriage that they never recover from, or a tragic accident that changes their lives forever. And each of these "somethings" have triggers that see them reliving that pain. Some triggers also societal, just as much as childlessness can be. <br />
<br />
Her thoughts were that my childlessness was my "something". Not really any different than someone elses "something". Just as painful and just as permanent. It does not have to halt my life. It does not have to stop me being happy. Their are so many ways to be happy in life. And their are so many positives in not having children.<br />
<br />
So I guess that is where the "mostly at peace" feelings come in. There will always be some moments. The one emotion that pops out at me, is feeling a sense of emptiness, like something is missing in my life. But it is in the distance for the moment. And I have learnt over the years, not to put all that much stock in the judgement of others, or what society thinks. You can't completely avoid it, but you can put it in perspective.<br />
<br />
What is important is my journey through life, my own unique experiences, my own loves and passions, my life with my husband, family and friends and my contentment in the day to day living. <br />
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This is where my peace lays.Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-64424995765244088632013-09-19T22:01:00.000+09:302013-09-19T22:01:01.469+09:30PeacefulnessThis week has come to the end so quickly. It's amazing how the days fly by sometimes!<br />
<br />
There has been no change in the situation here in limbo-land. But I am feeling much more peaceful with things. <br />
<br />
It's been three weeks now and I am starting to get good thoughts emerging in my brain. I'm starting to want to get back to the pool and to walk again. I'm starting to move back to the 'busyness' that I love so much. I had a great day baking today, amongst other things, with a new technique on the way to being mastered!! The exercise hasn't started again yet, but just wanting to do it, is a big step forward.<br />
<br />
More importantly is the sense I have of being content in whichever path we take. If we choose to continue with fertility treatments, I will enter it with willingness and patience. To be honest though, I feel a much stronger sense of peace when I think of living childfree. Yes, there is a lot to deal with and there will be stabs in the heart from trigger situations for the rest of our lives, but I find myself breathing a sigh of relief at the thought of stopping fertility treatments, the endless waiting and the fruitless hopes and dreams of wanting to be a mother.<br />
<br />
We are both seeing the fertility counselor and there is a lot to work through both individually and together. There is a big road ahead whatever path we take. I know there will big continual ups and downs. <br />
<br />
I am just grateful, that for the time being, I am feeling at peace. <br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
xxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-57790665655773451722013-09-12T16:30:00.001+09:302013-09-12T16:30:20.494+09:30Words of wisdomI've spent the last couple of days hiding out at home, retreating from the world and taking the first steps to rejuvenating.<br />
<br />
Tonight, I was finally ready to sit down and reply to all the amazing comments I have received over the last week. As they have come in, it has been wonderful and reassuring to read them. Sitting down tonight though, I hadn't realised just how many there were!!!<br />
<br />
Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom. I am overwhelmed with your generosity and your welcoming of me into this community. I've said already <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-childfree-childless-blog-community.html" target="_blank">how I feel about this amazing community</a>. There is like no other blogging community like it, that I have come across. I am so grateful.<br />
<br />
I have now replied to every single one of you. Do you all subscribe to comments and receive the replies and further comments? <br />
<br />
As I was catching up on them through my email client, I found myself creating a new folder and saving them. There are so many wonderful words of advice and experience that will help me for some time to come. I thought I would do a summary of some of the things that you have shared, that I have learnt, been reminded of, and had brought to my attention. There are sparks of awareness and healing that have begun to work there way into my system already!<br />
<br />
You may recognise your words in amongst the mix - I hope that's okay.
Links to all the women who contributed to these understandings are on
the right. Please go and visit them!<br />
<br />
While I've created this list for me, it's also for anyone else out there who will also find some healing or guidance from it. May our journeys be fruitful ones, peaceful, kind and loving.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><i>When faced with moving away from the IF journey, you suddenly feel that you have lost
your focus in life. For years, getting pregnant has been the goal. What
do you do know? If you are not a mother, then what are you? What is your self-worth? What is life all about? Who ARE you?</i></li>
<li><i>Take the time and space to help bring things into focus before deciding on the next steps. It's okay to 'float' for a while. Do a lot of soul searching, sort through your feelings, find out what it is you really want to do and how far you want to travel along the IF journey.</i></li>
<li><i>This time can be a profound period of personal growth. Allow yourself to unearth all sorts of interesting sides to who you are. What do you enjoy? Is there something new you want to try? </i></li>
<li><i>Don't expect too much from yourself. You don't need to have a big "purpose" in life. Being a mother is not what makes you worthwhile. Discover who you are just as you, not with any role or title, simply who YOU are.</i></li>
<li><i>Be Kind To Yourself.</i></li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'd like to finish with one quote from a comment Aurora Bordeaux from <a href="http://babyoffboard.com/" target="_blank">Baby Off Board</a> left me. I keep coming back to it time and time again with big smiles, warmth, gratitude and, most importantly, laughter in my heart.<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Laughter
is important. Fun is essential. Healing can be so difficult, but as you emerge
and form a revised perspective on your chosen path, I wish you gobs of
giddiness, rivers of hilarity, fountains of cleansing laughter, and memorably
outrageous adventure. Most of all, I wish you joy."</span></div>
</blockquote>
:):):) <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Annie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-13578211821711030672013-09-09T13:37:00.002+09:302013-09-09T13:54:34.952+09:30Facing difficult decisionsThe last week has been difficult. I haven't known how to express what has been going on for me, at least for a blogging format. How do I write, firstly about something so personal and secondly, about things that aren't necessarily in the living childfree direction which is what this blog is about?<br />
<br />
We saw our fertility doctor on Thursday for a follow up appointment after not succeeding with our embryo transfer. It opened up a whole door of pain and anguish and decision making for both of us. I need to talk about it, DH just can't talk about it. It's hard for both of us and, as usual with men and women, we need to deal with it in different ways.<br />
<br />
I feel stalled. I don't know where I am and I don't know what to do.<br />
I need to go in one direction or the other.<br />
For the most part, I'm ready to go in the childfree direction. I'm ready to let go of the dream and get on with life. But we need to be in that place together in order for it to work. We need to have, with absolute conviction, made that mutual decision.<br />
<br />
We have both been living a life of baby making struggles for 4 and a half years. It has consumed us. We are both strained and exhausted and need a break from it. But there are decisions to be made and, as a couple, we aren't ready to make them.<br />
<br />
So, where does that leave me? In no-mans land. Not knowing what to do.<br />
<br />
It's so hard to let go of the dream. But it's also hard not to be moving on from the dream. It would be so much easier if the decisions were taken out of our hands, if we had no options left to us. But we still have some choices. One choice is so low percentage it almost isn't worth doing. The other choice sets us on a whole new and difficult road to which we need to be absolutely committed. Neither of us are sure about this path.<br />
<br />
I come back again to trying to live in the moment. Trying to accept this time of waiting as a grace period, a resting period, a rejuvenating period. But I am finding it impossible to do that. <br />
<br />
I write this for two reasons....<br />
<ul>
<li>Maybe someone out there has some advice for me. Maybe someone knows what I'm going through and is going through it as well or has been there. (even though I've been rather vague about <i>what</i> is actually going on, you might get an idea!) </li>
<li>Secondly, maybe someday in the future, someone else will come across this and relate to it and feel supported and not alone anymore in their own struggles. </li>
</ul>
Supportive connections can be made across the internet that aren't always available to us in our own little world. Oftentimes, we are the only "real world" people we know who have gone through infertilty, or who have come to this point of facing being childless/free.<br />
<br />
It's a really awful, difficult place to be in, this time of making the decisions. While I can see all the positives that will appear further down the road, they are not here yet. And somehow, we need to get through these moments as best as we can.<br />
<br />
PS. Please forgive me for not responding to all comments and also for not commenting on your blogs this week. I appreciate every comment I receive. Thank you so much. And I still am reading your blogs through my reader. My head is just not in any decent place right now. But I'm working on it. <br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
xxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4587674218992969044.post-72608635025638266922013-09-03T21:18:00.002+09:302013-09-03T21:18:45.634+09:30Baby Off Board blog and other linksAfter writing my last post on <a href="http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/loss-of-purpose.html" target="_blank">loss of purpose</a>, I decided to do a little blog exploring. I came across the best site that just brought a huge smile to my face and threw me head first into the fun of being childfree.<br />
<br />
Aurora Bordeaux from <a href="http://babyoffboard.com/" target="_blank">Baby Off Board</a> takes a really unique look at the whole childfree subject. She is childfree by choice and had me laughing and feeling so much better about life with her fresh and funny look on life situations as a childfree woman. There is so much to read you just need to head over there and have a look. <br />
<br />
The thing that struck me most though was how much she fun she has in life. Her childfree status gives her so much freedom in life and she enjoys it. This <a href="http://babyoffboard.com/childfree-fun/" target="_blank">post here</a> was a great read for that! So head on over. You won't be sorry!<br />
<br />
All of a sudden I feel better about life than I did an hour ago. I know that those feelings of loss of purpose will return and I will have to look at them again, but then again, maybe they won't! You never know. Right now I'm feeling lighter and peaceful with a spring in my step. And right now is where it's at. Thanks Aurora!<br />
<br />
<br />
Some other blogs I've come across recently are:<br />
<a href="http://lifeastwo.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Life as Two</a><br />
<a href="http://serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Serenity in Chaos</a><br />
<a href="http://ldsmarriedwithoutchildren.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">LDS Married Without Children</a><br />
<a href="http://gameguessing.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Baptism By Fire</a><br />
<br />
Signing off with a smile<br />
:)<br />
xxAnnie Zhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13511943107737624183noreply@blogger.com7