For the last few weeks, I've needed a break from the childless world. I've needed to find my own space again and to allow the grieving to run its course. I stopped reading the books as well, just occasionally still working my way through Jodie Day's book "Rocking The Life Unexpected", but without doing the exercises. I know I will go back through and do them at some point.
A lot has happened and it will take a few posts to catch up.
The biggest thing was the coming and going of my due date.
It was on December 3rd. Exactly one week before my 45th birthday.
The day itself was, surprisingly, a good day, thanks to my husband and some careful planning. It was the lead up to it that was horrible. I think though, that all the grieving I had to about that day was done in the lead up. By the time the day itself came around, I had already grieved. And because the day was busy, it didn't creep into my mind too many times or for too long.
I know there will always be grief about this in some way.
I know that Dec 3rd will always be a date that will remind me.
I am still so sad.
The strange thing is the nature of the grief.
When I get triggered by something, what I feel now is sadness more than grief.
But ever now and then, with no warning, grief will hit me like a ton of bricks and I am back in its depths once more. There is never a reason or a trigger. It is just like a big wave that comes and washes me back out. And then, after a while, it goes again and I am back.
I don't understand it. But I guess I don't have to. I just have to keep working my way through it.
Yet amongst all of that, has been a sense of coming terms with my life as a childless woman. I'm finding my life again. New things are coming into it. I have been busy again and finding enjoyment in new directions.
My brother asked me to get the office side of his business in order. It is a job that has been a long time coming and I am gradually bringing order to the chaos! I have been really enjoying the process, not to mention getting paid again!
I've also been volunteering in the music office at school. I am learning the ropes, enjoying the company, happy to be helping. Fingers crossed it may lead to some paid work - maybe a day a week. Even it doesn't though, it has been really good for me. I am loving being a part of the music department in a new way, I have thrived in the office environment and volunteering has been good for my soul. And interestingly, it has brought a different dimension to the teaching that I am still doing, because I am seeing the department as a whole, not just from the angle of an instrumental teacher.
While there is still so much that is so difficult, I am SO grateful to be seeing some positives creeping in! And when I think about some of the timings of the things around me, I know that I am being looked after.
Love and Light.
xx
HUGE HUGS to you, Annie...Due date anniversaries must be tough. I can relate to what you've written. I think I wrote it once somewhere that it's tiring to actually having to prepare yourself mentally for something "dreadful", but on the actual day itself, more often than not, it's not as bad, but you just feel like you need to prepare yourself mentally because you know there are some/a lot of vulnerable parts inside of you.
ReplyDeleteI have no due dates, but for example about 1.5 years ago I remember planning to meet a pregnant friend (she was 40 and pregnant) and I was psyching myself up days before we were supposed to meet because I didn't want to look like I couldn't be happy for her (didn't want to show her the "Oh, goodness, this is a reminder of my loss"). The actual day itself was a good day actually, probably because she was interested in my life as well and didn't merely talk about herself and her pregnancy.
And yeah, grief is really sneaky. For me these days, the "big things" that I thought could hit me didn't, but then when I saw something altogether unrelated (even as simple as watching a youtube video clip), I could be bawling my eyes out as I felt the need to grieve all over again (though not as badly as before - I mean I didn't cry as long as I cried on my worst moments in the past). But anyway, I actually love these cathartic moments when I can do it in my own sweet time and not in public. I feel that these moments are really purifying, although somewhere in the past I did resent the fact that I had to grieve over and over again he he he...but nowadays I feel that when my soul feels it's necessary to do so, then bring it on!
Hey, GOOD to know that you're keeping yourself busy and enjoying yourself at the same time and you can meet different people as well - plus getting extra money by helping your brother! :-) You've got a great hubby there and LOVE your gratefulness! :-)
dear Annie,
ReplyDeletea warm hug for you!
love,