In my last post, I was beginning the road to acceptance of being child free. I'm aware of all the positives that will be in my life and I'm working hard to focus on them.
However, on my walk today, I worked out exactly where I am. My body and soul are done with IVF. I have nothing left. I can't bear the thought of going through it all again. But my heart still wants to do another round. My heart is not ready to give up. My heart believes that we have one more chance. Despite the fact that I have only had one pregnancy through IVF, despite 5 attempts, as well as three natural pregnancies over 5 years, and none of them have worked. Depite the fact that our last pregnancy (through IVF) got to twelve weeks before it all heartwrenchingly failed.
My husband feels the same way. Both our leanings are towards child free acceptance and all the positives (and challenges) that will come with that. But our hearts still crave for a child of our own.
We even spoke of the fact that we are older and, while healthy, have a few issues that we both deal with. To throw a kid into the mix - are we crazy???!!! And when our child hits teenagehood, I will be late 50's! Yet our hearts still speak the word "yes".
I speak to the fertility therapist in a couple of hours and will hammer it all out with her. I still think we are on the new road of child free not by choice. Will one more attempt really make a difference to my infertile body and tired soul, apart from causing them more strain and hardship?
Are there others out there reading this post that have had to go through the same decision making process? What were your thought processes and experiences?