Thursday, 29 August 2013

The heart speaks

In my last post, I was beginning the road to acceptance of being child free.  I'm aware of all the positives that will be in my life and I'm working hard to focus on them.

However, on my walk today, I worked out exactly where I am.  My body and soul are done with IVF.  I have nothing left.  I can't bear the thought of going through it all again.  But my heart still wants to do another round.  My heart is not ready to give up.  My heart believes that we have one more chance.  Despite the fact that I have only had one pregnancy through IVF, despite 5 attempts, as well as three natural pregnancies over 5 years, and none of them have worked.  Depite the fact that our last pregnancy (through IVF) got to twelve weeks before it all heartwrenchingly failed.

My husband feels the same way.  Both our leanings are towards child free acceptance and all the positives (and challenges) that will come with that.  But our hearts still crave for a child of our own.

We even spoke of the fact that we are older and, while healthy, have a few issues that we both deal with.  To throw a kid into the mix - are we crazy???!!!  And when our child hits teenagehood, I will be late 50's!  Yet our hearts still speak the word "yes".

I speak to the fertility therapist in a couple of hours and will hammer it all out with her.  I still think we are on the new road of child free not by choice.  Will one more attempt really make a difference to my infertile body and tired soul, apart from causing them more strain and hardship?

Are there others out there reading this post that have had to go through the same decision making process?  What were your thought processes and experiences?


  1. I don't know your story in any detail, I just know that it is very common to have doubts, what-ifs, especially when you're facing the end. Whether you go for another round or not, right now you're grieving again, and this is a big grief, the loss of the future you had planned, so it is only natural that it will hurt and raise doubts about the next step. And that's good, because it helps you know (in your hearts, minds, bodies, and souls) what is right for you.

    1. Thanks for your comment Mali. I have just finished writing another post about how my therapist talked about the need to grieve from our last loss. So to read your comment next - perfect!

      You are right. There is grief in facing the end as well. And knowing that the doubts and what ifs are common is reassuring. Thank you.

  2. I had 10 rounds of IVF, all unsuccessful.
    I made a decision to end the treatments and find my way how to live Happy Childless Life almost two years ago.
    So the memories are still very fresh.
    I understand that it is hard decision to make.

  3. Thank you for your support, Klara. I imagine the memories will stay fresh for some time to come.

  4. Just found your blog and my heart cries that it knows yours.
    Pregnancy was never an option for us. So, after 7 years of marriage, we turned to adoption. Long story short: We were on the waiting list for 2 years before someone even looked at us. She choose us, but then 4 months later, she choose a different couple.
    So about 2 years ago, we decided to no longer pursue adoption. We were fine living child free.
    But honestly, that is haunting me right now. So glad to find a blog I can relate to.

    1. I'm glad you have found it too, Savannah. Welcome.