Well today brought about a little emotional roller coaster ride that has left me feeling rather flat and thoughtful with the need to work through what's happened..
On Sunday, I started my new cycle. Everything seemed normal. I was earlier than usual but was very grateful for that because it meant my period would be over and done with by the time we go camping this weekend.
By Monday, I was thinking that something wasn't right. I had stopped bleeding and was just brown spotting.
By Tuesday morning (today), there was nothing.
It reminded me of an experience we had last year. I had what I thought was my period, but it was unusual. We started an IVF cycle only to discover about 5 days into it that I was pregnant. The drugs we had taken so far would not have affected the pregnancy. But the pregnancy spent the next few weeks hanging on but just not going anywhere. My HCG levels keep plodding along - rising only 20 or 30 every couple of days. It was long and drawn out process when we knew it wasn't working right from the beginning. And of course, my hormones were all over the place from the drugs taken before we knew about the pregnancy and then the drugs I changed to after we got the positive.
This period reminded me of that. What was going on?? The amazing thing was - I had my appointment with the fertility therapist today at the clinic. I could get it checked out. And then a minute after I sat down in the waiting room, our doctor came out and said hello! What the??? Can you believe it??!! The timing of it all.
So she organised a blood test and then I waited.
When I first thought I might be pregnant, it was "oh no, I don't want to go through that again. I couldn't bear it". I told the doctor so as well... and the nurse.
Then as the afternoon wore on, my emotions started to shift. I felt sure it was an implantation. Then I started imagining a little life starting inside me. And before I knew it, I was hoping it would be so. The hope was back. Oh no. All of a sudden, I'm back on the other side. All of a sudden, I'm imagining the old dream of a life with baby.
Then I get the phone call. I'm definitely at the start of a new cycle. No explanation for this strange period. Just one of those things.
I feel deflated. I'm not pregnant. Did I really expect to be? No, I didn't. Not at all. But to go from not wanting to be to be pregnant to being back in the old headspace again. A little emotional rollercoaster.
DH isn't home tonight. He is away with work. I'll be fine. I'm sure I will recover quickly from this. I just can't believe how easy it was to flip back to the dreams and the hopes. I thought they had been ripped away for good. I have delved so much into the positives of being childfree, and been so glad to be avoiding many of the issues that we would have with childraising, that it surprised me when the old hopes and dreams returned.
I guess this is a good lesson in living in the moment. It's a good lesson in not trying to put any label on where I am in my journey. It's a good lesson in taking things as they come and realising that nothing is permanent, that our thoughts and feelings and position in life can be very fragile and subject to quick change. And that's OK.
The important thing is to keep learning from our experiences, to keep growing and evolving. To be flexible and allow change to flow through our lives without fighting it.