Last Tuesday my car broke down. It just turned off. All of a sudden, I realised that I was no longer driving the car, it was just still being propelled by momentum. Talk about a metaphor for my life! I pulled over. It wasn't in a good spot, but I couldn't push it back away from the intersection. DH was at volleyball. I left my phone home. Fortunately, I was in walking distance from my place, so I walked back and got my neighbour to help me get it out of the way.
It was night. I was just returning a DVD. I should have picked up the dog for protection when I went back home. Everything was fine of course, but I don't like being by myself when I'm out at night. I walked to the DVD store which was only 15 minutes away. I kept to the street lights and away from hidden places. I called the RAA (roadside assistance) on the way back to the car.
I only waited at the car for about 20 minutes, but in that time, my anxiety levels started to increase. I had my book with me, but I kept glancing around to see what was going on. Soon enough, the RAA fixed the car (at least temporarily) and I was back home.
I suffer from anxiety, I have for years. I get panic attacks and chest pains. Most of the time I manage it well and I haven't really had a problem for a few months. After the events of Tuesday night, it has all returned. By Friday, I had my first panic attack in the middle of the night and I curled up to DH for comfort.
Today, not only have I been battling the anxiety, but the depression has also set in. You see, that one is also a problem for me as well. Runs in the family actually. Both my brother and my Dad. Naturopathy has helped me a great deal in managing both.
It's not surprising that these two are surfacing strongly. There's nothing like realising that you aren't ever going to be a mother to trigger all the difficult emotions.
When DH returned home from work, both feelings lifted. I was quite amazed. Never has that happened to that extent before. All of a sudden I wasn't depressed! However, when we went to bed, I struggled again with a panic attack. The moment I would begin to drift off to sleep, bang, there it was. Having DH laying next to me, even if he was asleep(!), was the only thing that got me through it.
Now, it's the next morning. DH has gone to work and both anxiety and depression are back with force.
The fact that my depression completely lifted when my husband came home, made me realise how much I am struggling without him. He is hardly at home at the moment. Work is overwhelming him and he can't seem to get on top of it. He is travelling a lot and working long hours. There is nothing we can do to change the situation at the moment. We just need to ride through it and I help him as much as I can. That, on top of what we are going through already, is not a good combination. In two weeks, he leaves for Italy for three weeks. God knows how I am going to cope with that.
Today is going to be about choices. I have no choice in being childless. But I can try really hard to make good choices about my day. To get off the couch and do the washing. To clean the house and begin to feel better about my environment. To spend some time in the garden. To not give into the overwhelming need I have to comfort eat. Please can't I just shrivel into a ball and stay that way?!
I suppose I'll report in later and let you know how the day went. Perhaps knowing I will do that, will give me more motivation to want to provide a good report!
Love and Light