The events of Tuesday really messed with me. Finding myself back in the world of hope for just an hour or two, twisted my heart and brain into knots. I woke up yesterday with such a severe depression that it took a midday call to my Mother to come and visit, before I could even get out of bed.
I started to wonder if these last few weeks I have been doing the "fake it till you make it" thing. I've been striving to find the positive, to rejoice at the new world that is before me, to look forward to all the many things that I will be able to do.
I truly wonder though...
Will I really "make it"?
I took some time to look back through my posts to where I was being positive and feeling peaceful with life. To when I was accepting of how things were.
It was good reading those words. They were genuine and heartfelt and truly representative of where I was. But I'm not there anymore. What's happened?
I've been sitting on this question for a while now. I have some thoughts formulating along with some solutions. They are brewing away gradually finding some coherency!
I do know though, that when I wrote those words, that is truly how I was feeling. I wasn't "faking it". And I guess at some point, I will move back into that place again.
The most important thing to me, is my relationship with my dear husband. It is our life together, the two of us, that is the key to everything. Infertility is such a hard thing to pull through. It inevitably puts a strain on ones relationship. No matter how strong the relationship is, having to deal with such grief and heartache and loss of dreams, is tough. Dealing with your own individual emotions sometimes means that you unwittingly pull back and distance yourself.
From my husbands perspective, it was overwhelming to the point of not understanding what was going on and not being able to talk about it at all. Seeing the fertility therapist has helped him to understand what is going on for him and he is now able to begin moving forward and also be able to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts.
At this point I don't know if I will "make it". I don't feel any sense of being happy with a life with no children. I feel only that I will make the best of a bad situation.
I still most definitely see the advantages of being childfree. Even my mother said today, that as each year passes and I head towards 50, it is only going to get harder for me to deal with having a newborn, then an infant etc. I sense that. I truly do. I was exhausted after having my great nephew today.
So, that just leaves me on the fence. The negatives and positives swaying back and forth on the seesaw of childlessness. Sometimes I will sit on the ground and look up at a weightless childlessness issue with completeness acceptance and serenity. At other times, the weight of childlessness will drop down and fling me up and over the seesaw to land on my face.
So, if I fake it, will I make it? Possibly. But right now, I just can't bring myself to fake it. And while it feels awful, it's okay to be in this place for a little while.