Friday 4 October 2013

If I fake it, will I make it?

The events of Tuesday really messed with me.  Finding myself back in the world of hope for just an hour or two, twisted my heart and brain into knots.  I woke up yesterday with such a severe depression that it took a midday call to my Mother to come and visit, before I could even get out of bed.

I started to wonder if these last few weeks I have been doing the "fake it till you make it" thing.  I've been striving to find the positive, to rejoice at the new world that is before me, to look forward to all the many things that I will be able to do


I truly wonder though...

Will I really "make it"?

I took some time to look back through my posts to where I was being positive and feeling peaceful with life.  To when I was accepting of how things were.

It was good reading those words.  They were genuine and heartfelt and truly representative of where I was.  But I'm not there anymore.  What's happened?

.......

I've been sitting on this question for a while now.  I have some thoughts formulating along with some solutions.  They are brewing away gradually finding some coherency!

I do know though, that when I wrote those words, that is truly how I was feeling.  I wasn't "faking it".   And I guess at some point, I will move back into that place again.

The most important thing to me, is my relationship with my dear husband.  It is our life together, the two of us, that is the key to everything.  Infertility is such a hard thing to pull through.  It inevitably puts a strain on ones relationship.  No matter how strong the relationship is, having to deal with such grief and heartache and loss of dreams, is tough.  Dealing with your own individual emotions sometimes means that you unwittingly pull back and distance yourself. 

From my husbands perspective, it was overwhelming to the point of not understanding what was going on and not being able to talk about it at all.  Seeing the fertility therapist has helped him to understand what is going on for him and he is now able to begin moving forward and also be able to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts.

At this point I don't know if I will "make it".  I don't feel any sense of being happy with a life with no children.  I feel only that I will make the best of a bad situation.

I still most definitely see the advantages of being childfree.  Even my mother said today, that as each year passes and I head towards 50, it is only going to get harder for me to deal with having a newborn, then an infant etc.  I sense that.  I truly do.  I was exhausted after having my great nephew today.

So, that just leaves me on the fence.  The negatives and positives swaying back and forth on the seesaw of childlessness.  Sometimes I will sit on the ground and look up at a weightless childlessness issue with completeness acceptance and serenity.  At other times, the weight of childlessness will drop down and fling me up and over the seesaw to land on my face.

So, if I fake it, will I make it?  Possibly.  But right now, I just can't bring myself to fake it.  And while it feels awful, it's okay to be in this place for a little while.

12 comments:

  1. Annie, your emotional journey echoes mine in so many ways. Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. It's one step forward, two back. But there *will* be progress. You're grieving and that takes time. Healing will happen...I'm not saying that wound will ever be 100%, but healing will happen. Continue to reach out. You don't have to fake it, but trust in the fact that one day, you will make it. <3

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    1. Thank you Kelly for your supportive words. I'm certainly trying to trust!

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  2. I so agree with Kelly. I went back and forth myself and in the end you will "make it" and you will in the future experience at times the back and forth still. It will always be with you but it does get easier to move forward as time passes. I am glad you have your Mom in your life to lean on, unfortunately my Mom passes away before our last miscarriage. Be kind to yourself and know you aren't alone.

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    1. I'm so grateful for my Mum, Jen. I'm sorry to hear about yours, especially before such a difficult time. As I've get older, I value my mother more and more and appreciate her more. I find myself trying to emulate her in so many ways. She is a good woman.

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  3. I still swing back and forth but I do it less and less as time progresses. Hang in there. It really does take time.

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    1. Thanks erin. It's reassuring to hear that it will occur less and less. Even if at the moment, I don't feel that it will. I trust in your words!!

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  4. I think that is part of the grief cycle. It gets better, it gets worse, repeat.
    You are literally mourning the death of all the children you hoped to have. You are experience the death of all of them at once, and worse yet, you have no happy memories or objects to cling to as you mourn. Infertility is b*tch in that way.
    Take it one day at a time. When you feel the need to cry, go ahead and cry. When you are having a good day, enjoy it to the fullest. Its been 3 years for me now, and I still have bad days. But they are pretty rare. I don't expect them to over go away, it was a big loss. But I hope I can just live in peace with the situation that was given to me.

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    1. These are great words, Savannah. Thank you for sharing your experience of this difficult grief cycle.
      Love and Light
      xx

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  5. dear Annie,
    this is just part of the grieving process.
    When it was the hardest for me, I had only one goal: to survive one day. And then another. And another.
    Sorry to say it (but it is good news for you) - your mother is so wrong. She hasn't walked in your shoes, so she can not know. I walked in your shoes, so I know. With each year as I am getting older, it is easier to meet newborns. seing other children...
    Jen put it beautifully: be kind to yourself. And know that you are not alone.
    warm hugs from Europe!

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    1. Hi Klara! Mum wasn't talking about other peoples children, she meant if I was to have my own at this late stage. That it is so much harder to do than when you are young and spritely! She had me at 38, 9 years after her second child and really felt the difference. Now I'm nearly 45. It would be a lot harder to manage a baby and then toddler, let alone a teenager when I'm in my 60's!

      It is so nice to know that we are alone in this journey. Thank you for your support.
      xx

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  6. Dear Annie, I second what everyone else has written. Like Savannah, I'm also about 3 years since our "sort of" decision to live life without kids and the bad days are getting rarer and the intensity of the bad days are nowhere near where they were before. And I know the posts you wrote were genuine, but we are only humans with complex emotions...it's only natural to experience different emotions at each given day, no matter how frustrating that sounds.

    It ain't easy to allow yourself to swing back and forth...it is tiring, but it will get better...you know, it's not easy to measure how much you've "healed" because you need to allow plenty of time for healing to happen...and with infertility, there are SO MANY layers of loss and the only possible way to know how far you've gone is to look back on your journey after you've been on it for a few years at least...before then, there will be so many potholes and swinging...And everybody has their own healing paces because there are different life situations and pain triggers, so just go at your own pace.

    I think I should say something about what you wrote, though...for me personally, it's not that I'm happy with life without kids, but I'm happy DESPITE not having kids. I think being fully happy with life without kids is more like a childfree living and I'm not sure it suits people like us...

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    1. Dear Amel. Thank you for these words. They mean a lot.

      Your last paragraph reminds me of a "few years down the track of healing" version of the words I wrote in this post "I don't feel any sense of being happy with a life with no children. I feel only that I will make the best of a bad situation."

      As hubby and I both heal, I hope that we "make it" to a place of being happy with our life together. There are just so many things that need working out, and need time. It is so complicated. And as you wrote, we are healing at different paces and our life situations are a factor in all of this as well. It is difficult, but I can only keep on keeping on from one day to the next and take it as it comes.

      Love and Light
      xxx

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