I saw my kinesiologist on Friday. It was a good session. After two sessions of not feeling that any progress was being made, I finally feel that maybe some breakthroughs have occurred.
The first word that appeared in the session was "struggle". I am struggling with so many things right now, not just being childless. The difficult emotions of dealing with not having children, are severely triggering my coping mechanisms. More than anything, I am struggling with those old and tired patterns of supporting myself, that do me as much harm and negativity in the long run, as they do protect me from my emotions of the moment.
I realised this morning, that I need to find others way of supporting myself. And then I realised, that I don't have any other ways. I can't do it myself. I thought about my last exercise from the "Life Without Baby" group on Finding Support and came to the conclusion that there is no one in my life that can support me in the way that I need in order to release my negative patterns.
And then it occurred to me. God can. I'm reminded of the story of a person walking along the beach with God and looking back at their footsteps. The person notices that in the most difficult parts of her life, there was only one set of footsteps. "Why did you leave me in the most difficult times, God?" "My child, those were the times when I was carrying you."
I'm not religious. I was raised in the church, with my father as the minister. By the time I reached my 20's, I began exploring all aspects of religion and spirituality and eventually found the things that worked for me, the beliefs to which I believe I was led. It was wonderful having a father who supported me in my search and loved being able to provide me with greater clarity and revelation. It didn't matter to him that I wasn't staying within the church. What was important to him was that I was exploring God and discovering what that meant to me. Dad's in depth understanding and education in matters of spirit and religion was a wonderful sounding board. I don't place myself in any particular faith or philosophy now. But if I had to define myself, it would be "spiritual".
I'm wondering today whether I have ever let God carry me through the difficult times. I'm wondering today, if through the difficult times, I always turned to my eating disorder to support me. A completely dysfunctional pattern that may have been my only way of coping in my youth, but does not serve me anymore.
Today however, I have been feeling a sense of being carried. Whatever healing went on in my kinesiology session has finally brought to a new place in my journey. I don't feel it as one of letting go and handing over my problems to God. I believe they are God given problems with which I need to work through in order to evolve. But I do feel it as releasing the weight that drags me down and allowing God to lift me and carry me above my debilitating emotions.
Even as I wrote this, I felt some of the depression lift and a little bit of peacefulness creep in.
I am grateful.
I've always loved that footprints story. :-) I'm glad your father is that way. I know a friend whose father is a priest and he's been very strict on his kids and wife. Always trying to correct them and it's caused a love-and-hate relationship between them, though in the last decade it's become much better now that the friend's an adult, but still it has left lots of scars.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I get sidetracked. My parents came to know God later in life and I wasn't really forced to go to church or anything, though I was raised as a Christian because I went to Christian schools. My school teacher (in Junior High School) forced us to go to church each week (we had to submit a report of the sermon along with the church's stamp) and I used to hate that in the beginning, because I never really went to Sunday church when I was young (only a couple of times, but not regularly). But lo and behold, I found God during that time ha ha...
OK, getting sidetracked again...I'm glad that you've got to feel the sense of being carried and that you're feeling more peaceful. :-) Here's to healing with God, one step at a time!
It seems like so many of us feel let down by our churches or religious communities or beliefs when we face these huge losses & life disappointments -- too many people feel like God is not there for them and wonder why He has let these things happen to them. So I am glad that you're finding new strength in faith to help you through this time. :) And like Amel, I am very glad that your father has been accepting & encouraging!
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