My niece called me this morning. It was babysitting afternoon. I had forgotten. I love my great nephew to bits and I love spending time with him. Babysitting day has always been an absolute blessing. Today however, I found myself becoming really annoyed and irritated that I had to shift into baby mode.
I didn't want to go there. I had others things I wanted to do. Things that were on the positive childfree list as well as paperwork that needed to be finished. It hurt too much to think of being in baby mode. I've spent the last week actively adjusting to being childfree and trying to be okay with it. I've been actively seeking to see the freedom of childlessness as a blessing. Now I had to shift back to joyful baby mode.
As the time drifted around to leave, I was feeling better. I had completed a large portion of the paperwork and I had successfully baked my first loaf of spelt bread in the breadmaker without it collapsing! I was excited by that and a little less stressed having done some paperwork. I still wasn't wanting to shift into baby mode. But it presented with a sigh rather than with annoyance.
Upon arriving on the doorstep, I could hear my niece doing the excited baby talk "who's at the door, L?" and the annoyance came back. I wasn't annoyed at being there per se, I was just annoyed at the situation.
Then my niece proceeded to tell me all about her sister-in-laws pregnancy and how she is about to give birth. A brief history is needed to tell you that her SIL got pregnant two weeks before I did. She had a similar story in that it was also her 4th IVF round. So, to hear about her about to receive her child is probably the biggest stab in the heart ever. It is simply a reminder that I would have been about to be a mother as well if we had not lost our child at 12 weeks pregnant.
It's awful to say, but I think her baby will always be a reminder of our loss. I sincerely hope that feeling passes but really, will it??
My annoyance stayed until my niece left and then it became time for play. L and I had a great time playing with his toys. He is a great kid! There were times though when I felt gratitude that not every day of my life had to be spent with kiddy play! After a while, he wanted to eat and then it was time for a nap. He fell asleep on my chest while having his bottle.
This experience brought the tears. I feel so much love for that boy and having him curled up asleep on my chest was just too much. We will never experience that with our own child. I will never have that mother/child bond that is so strong and heartwarming. Instead I will feel it from time to time without it truly being mine. And then have to walk away from it.
Even now that I am home, the tears are still there. The sadness is deep. While I am so grateful to be a great aunt to him, to be able to spend time with him and to be developing a fantastic bond, there is no way to spin how I am feeling into a positive thing. I just hope that this feeling soon passes because what I don't want, is for this to be a block in my relationship with him as he gets older.
It's been a difficult afternoon. I'm glad to be able to blog about it to a compassionate community who truly understand what it feels like. Thank you.
To help with my emotions now - I am off to bake!!!
Love and Light