Monday, 30 September 2013

Befuddlement

Today I find myself in a strange place of befuddlement.  I'm finding myself confused by the shifting direction of my life and the many changes that have occurred not just in my lifestyle but in who I am and what I do in my life.  My interests have changed, my activities have changed.  They are all really good things.  But the suddenness of these changes is leaving me dizzy.

And then there is the complete turnaround of my desires.  Just last year, nothing mattered more to me than being a mother.  I was determined to achieve our goal, doing everything necessary to try and get there.  Nothing else mattered.  And just a few months ago, I was pregnant and looking forward to finally achieving our dreams. 

Now all of a sudden I find myself childless, I don't want to be pregnant ever again, I never want hormone injections again and thought of starting a new life with a baby is something I'm finding that I don't want.  I'm 44 and I just can't imagine dealing with a pregnancy, being up all night and having my life consumed by a baby, then a non-stop toddler when I'm in my late 40's, and then being a mother to a teenager when I'm 60 years old!  My life has been flipped over and around and I'm freaking out just a little bit.

If we had gotten pregnant not long after we started, things would be a completely different story.  I was ready for that life, I wanted that life, I longed for that life. 

Now, with all the experiences of the last four years, in particular the last four months, everything is different.

I don't know whether to be terribly upset or terribly relieved.  I'm both all at the same time and how dizzying is that????!!!!

I think about a large portion of my work and my work colleagues and I don't want to go back to that world.  It just isn't me anymore.  How confusing is that?  I've been doing it for 25 years.  Part of me feels like I should stay involved, stay part of the community, stay connected to that.  But most of me is glad.  I had been drifting away for a while and these last few months have just solidified it. There is only one area of that work that I have chosen to keep and in that area I have actually put feelers out to get more involved, but in a different capacity.  Go figure!

Even in just this last week, my thoughts and feelings are shifting quickly.  I think of a comment I left just a few days ago to another bloggers post, and already my thoughts have changed.  As I read more and more of others experiences and as I experience more things and feel more emotions myself, my understandings and viewpoints are evolving.  It's overwhelming and befuddling.

DH and I have come to one decision.  There will be no more IVF treatments.  The chances of us succeeding are only 5% and to go through all that, spend all that, and then have to go through the emotions again of probably not succeeding, is just too much.  Not to mention the fact that we are both feeling the issue of us just beginning to raise a child at our age.  It's all crazy.

Of course, then I think of all the grandparents out there raising their grandchildren.  It's hard but they do it.  But then they also have experience behind them.  We are going in blind and tired and defeated from all that has happened.

So today there are no words of wisdom or lists of positivity, no continued efforts to try and understand what is happening, there is just one whirling brain who wants to get off the ride.

10 comments:

  1. I remember going back and forth like you, but I also remember when we made the final decision that we were going to live a childless life, we begin to experience things that we had put aside and we were really enjoying them now. It is overwhelming and dizzying at times, but once you have made that decision to move forward...it does give you a sense of peace and a new direction in life.

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    1. It's reassuring to hear that, Jen but it's hard to imagine that at the moment. I always try to put that best foot forward but it just doesn't want to go there right now! Silly foot! :)

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  2. Ahhhh...changes, changes, changes...hoping for more peace to come over you as time goes by. GOOD LUCK with your career choice as well! For some reason this post reminds me of the seasons of life he he...winter as a representative of dead, old stuff and it's time for spring to bring forth new roots and plants? :-)

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    1. Its an apt metaphor! Thanks Amel.
      xx

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  3. I know...

    So many thoughts that need to be thought before we find the peace in our heart & mind.

    My DH's nephew (20 years) quit his studies, he is completely uninterested to find work. So he just sits at home and does nothing (for the last 12 months). I said to my DH just this morning: I am so happy that I will not have to deal with situations like that when I am 60 or 65.

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    1. There is something to be said for an envisioning of life of quiet, serenity and the togetherness of two. I like it! Just need to work our way towards it!

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  4. It's so hard to take that final step. Just about the time I think I have DECIDED, something happens, a knife to the gut, a wistful heart, and I find myself back in the longing mode. I hope you have as much peace as possible xoxo

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    1. I know the feeling. It's dominant at this stage, flipping from one place to another. But I've been reading from so many people how even after making the decision and finding peace, something will happen that flips you back to the other side for a while. It's not a nice prospect, I have to say!

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  5. Hi Annie, I'm Kelly...I recently came across your blog and I am a new follower. I blogged about this very topic last fall and I still understand where Dipite's comment is coming from . Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, introduce myself and let you know, as others have I'm sure, that we understand. And we're here.

    Hugs,
    Kelly
    www.yunbesote.com

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    1. Hi Kelly! So lovely to meet you! Thanks for visiting and becoming a follower and for being there. I look forward to reading your blog!

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