Yesterday I wrote about how, at the moment, I am feeling peaceful about where we are in our IF journey. I still feel that way and I am so grateful.
I wonder though, are we ever truly at peace with it?
Is our sense of peace constantly interrupted by the dreams and expectations of those around us?
Of societies standards?
Or does the dream of children never truly leave us?
Is it a biological need that we can't remove?
Kathleen Guthrie Woods over at Life Without Baby describes herself as "mostly at peace with her childfree status"
Right now, I feel that I am at peace. But I expect that may change just as surely as the days change and our emotions shift and flow through their neverending evolution.
How can it not? The childfree blogging world is filled with stories and comments on how the world around us doesn't accept the childfree status. "Keep trying", "Don't give up", "Miracles do happen", "Having children was the best thing I ever did".
I would expect that it would be difficult to remain peaceful when we are surrounded by societies expectations. Yet, I must admit, I don't really feel that too much.
I think with my friends, that once we reach the end of our IF journey, our friends will reach the same acceptance as well. Their hopes and dreams for us have been a reflection and support of our own hopes and dreams. They have children, they know we want children, they have the same hopes and dreams for us. At least on the surface, I don't believe they will continue to put that expectation upon us.
Some of my family members may be a bit different. With my friends, their dreams are for us. With some family members, their dreams of us having children are for them as well. Some may not be able to give up on their own dream of our potential children. I think that has the possibility to continue to be a stab in the heart.
I was talking to one of my closest friends the other night. She is the one friend who would have done anything to help us get pregnant. She wanted that for us so much. Her depth of friendship was incredible - to the point of not only offering her eggs but also offering to carry our child for us, if necessary with her egg and DH sperm. She was incredible. However, she is also my age and it was not a possibility. But her offering was one of the most heartwarming and loving things that I have ever experienced.
Her thoughts were that everyone has something completely profound and painful in their life that they have to live with. Something that also constantly stabs them in the heart throughout their life. Whether it be losing a child, or losing a loved one. It may be the end of marriage that they never recover from, or a tragic accident that changes their lives forever. And each of these "somethings" have triggers that see them reliving that pain. Some triggers also societal, just as much as childlessness can be.
Her thoughts were that my childlessness was my "something". Not really any different than someone elses "something". Just as painful and just as permanent. It does not have to halt my life. It does not have to stop me being happy. Their are so many ways to be happy in life. And their are so many positives in not having children.
So I guess that is where the "mostly at peace" feelings come in. There will always be some moments. The one emotion that pops out at me, is feeling a sense of emptiness, like something is missing in my life. But it is in the distance for the moment. And I have learnt over the years, not to put all that much stock in the judgement of others, or what society thinks. You can't completely avoid it, but you can put it in perspective.
What is important is my journey through life, my own unique experiences, my own loves and passions, my life with my husband, family and friends and my contentment in the day to day living.
This is where my peace lays.