Monday 9 September 2013

Facing difficult decisions

The last week has been difficult.  I haven't known how to express what has been going on for me, at least for a blogging format.  How do I write, firstly about something so personal and secondly, about things that aren't necessarily in the living childfree direction which is what this blog is about?

We saw our fertility doctor on Thursday for a follow up appointment after not succeeding with our embryo transfer.  It opened up a whole door of pain and anguish and decision making for both of us.  I need to talk about it, DH just can't talk about it.  It's hard for both of us and, as usual with men and women, we need to deal with it in different ways.

I feel stalled.  I don't know where I am and I don't know what to do.
I need to go in one direction or the other.
For the most part, I'm ready to go in the childfree direction.  I'm ready to let go of the dream and get on with life.  But we need to be in that place together in order for it to work.  We need to have, with absolute conviction, made that mutual decision.

We have both been living a life of baby making struggles for 4 and a half years.  It has consumed us.  We are both strained and exhausted and need a break from it.  But there are decisions to be made and, as a couple, we aren't ready to make them.

So, where does that leave me?  In no-mans land.  Not knowing what to do.

It's so hard to let go of the dream.  But it's also hard not to be moving on from the dream.  It would be so much easier if the decisions were taken out of our hands, if we had no options left to us.  But we still have some choices.  One choice is so low percentage it almost isn't worth doing.  The other choice sets us on a whole new and difficult road to which we need to be absolutely committed.  Neither of us are sure about this path.

I come back again to trying to live in the moment.  Trying to accept this time of waiting as a grace period, a resting period, a rejuvenating period.  But I am finding it impossible to do that.

I write this for two reasons....
  • Maybe someone out there has some advice for me.  Maybe someone knows what I'm going through and is going through it as well or has been there.  (even though I've been rather vague about what is actually going on, you might get an idea!)
  • Secondly, maybe someday in the future, someone else will come across this and relate to it and feel supported and not alone anymore in their own struggles.  
Supportive connections can be made across the internet that aren't always available to us in our own little world.  Oftentimes, we are the only "real world" people we know who have gone through infertilty, or who have come to this point of facing being childless/free.

It's a really awful, difficult place to be in, this time of making the decisions.  While I can see all the positives that will appear further down the road, they are not here yet.  And somehow, we need to get through these moments as best as we can.

PS.  Please forgive me for not responding to all comments and also for not commenting on your blogs this week.  I appreciate every comment I receive.  Thank you so much.  And I still am reading your blogs through my reader.  My head is just not in any decent place right now.  But I'm working on it. 

Love and Light
xx

18 comments:

  1. dear Annie,
    I have been in your shoes not that long ago so I understand your pain. And although you did not write any details I guess I know what you are writing about.

    Each of us has our own way of dealing with it.
    One of the things that really helped us was:
    a) buying a ticket for overseas
    b) packing backpack
    c) going somewhere for three weeks.

    It is true, by going away you still take all sadness with you. But from far away it is easier to see things clearer.

    Wishing you all the best!

    Hugs!!!

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    1. Thank you for your support and advice Klara. Our first anniversary is coming up next month and I would like to go away for the weekend. We did that after we lost our pregnancy and that really did help.

      The biggest thing that I think will help, is when we can start to talk together about it. DH requested that we leave it be for a while and I respect his need for that. We will get there eventually!

      Love and Light
      xxx

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  2. I've also been in limbo, a period of time when I was halfway towards living life without kids but halfway thinking about other options (adoption, etc.). I think this limbo period is a good time to really take time to think things through and sort through your feelings and then when you're both ready, you can talk it out and make a decision together. I hope and pray and when the time comes, you two are on the same page. That's one major thing I've been praying about ever since we found out we were infertiles, because I've read about people being on a different page and it's really tough on the couple.

    Anyway, during the limbo period I did a lot of soul-searching to find out what I really wanted to do and what I didn't want to do, set the limits as to how far I wanted to travel through this IF journey because it's a huge decision. You know, even after we made our decision, it still took us a few years before it finally settles in.

    I second what Klara said. Going away on a holiday also helped distract my thoughts, so if it's possible for you, do that to recharge.

    I think one part of the problem you're having is that you're still struggling to accept this limbo period. I find that once you accept something, it's easier to go through the path. :-) One mantra I have: be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself. HUGE HUGSSSSSS for you and may you and hubby get the enlightenment and peace of mind that you both need once the limbo is over...

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    1. Thank you Amel. I hope and pray we are on the same page as well when the time comes. It's a confusing and complicated time with such wide ranging emotions and different angles that we are seeing.

      I'm doing the soul searching for sure. It's what I do! But a lot of how I feel will depend on what DH feels and what he wants. Yes, there is my feelings and needs and his feelings and needs but in some ways it is also about OUR feelings and needs combined. It's a joint thing as well.

      I know though that I really need to sort out MY feelings during this time of limbo. You are right. I'm having a great deal of trouble accepting this time.

      Thank you for your support, words of advice and for the mantra. I will use it everyday.

      Love and Light
      xxx

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  3. Its hard to decide right after a failed cycle, emotions are running high and the fertility doctors will always come up with more options, more hope. Even though it sucks to be in limbo taking some time and getting distance is the best thing. Hubby and I "practiced" being child free for 6 months before really deciding to not continue with treatment. It made things clearer and things came into focus. Hopefully some space from this is all you need to help you decide on the next steps.

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    1. Thank you erin. Our fertility doctor is really good at the 'hope' thing. She is just so caring and compassionate and really wants to help us fufill our dreams.

      It's an interesting thought "practicing". I'm so glad it was helpful to you and your hubs. I will keep it in mind!

      Love and Light
      xxx

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  4. dear Annie,
    I hope that you are feeling a bit better today.
    Hugs!

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    1. Hi Klara. You are so sweet to touch base. Thank you.

      Not really much better actually, but I've taken some time this week to try and regroup. And tomorrow I see my kinesiologist which will also help. Walking the road!

      xx

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    2. yes, I know. Things take time.
      hugs.

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  5. Hugs to you Annie. We were in that place very recently and reading your thoughts was like a warm hug to me. We made the childfree decision together in June so it's still very fresh to me. It also helped to hear Amel say that it took several years to settle in because I was beginning to worry and it's only been a few months here.

    DH and I talked about every option over and over. We would discuss each option, take a break to think about what we each felt, then discuss it again. I cried so much! But once we made the decision I did feel a little lighter. Then I started a cycle of thinking, "but I still want a baby!" and then I would go through each option again and end up at the same place: it's time to let go and move on. This cycle still occurs but now it's several times a week rather than several times a day.

    It's a difficult decision so don't be surprised or dismayed if you question whether or not you made the right one. And don't be afraid to seek counseling with someone experienced with infertility, which is on my to-do list as soon as work gets back into a routine in a couple of weeks.

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    1. Cam, that is exactly what is going on. My thoughts go around and around from one direction then back to the opposite direction.
      How do you cope with still going through the cycle several times a week even though you have both made the decision?

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    2. I just let it flow OR I hit the brake. If I find the flow of thoughts too much to bear (i.e. making me too worked up or frustrated), I stop myself and focus on something else that makes me happy/distracted so that I could have the much needed break (I find that listening to soothing songs or healing songs do help as well and I also like reading Japanese comics hi hi...), but if I can still handle it, I let them flow (as though I were watching a TV/show) because I want to know what my deepest self is trying to tell me.

      What I try to do is not to make a decision when I'm feeling too emotional (usually near my period I get much more emotional) and then I try to compare my feelings back then with my feelings after my period is over because sometimes there's a huge difference between the two. However, if the feelings stay the same, then it's time to think of what to do.

      One other thing that helps me is just writing the thoughts/feelings out. No need to publish them if you don't want to, but just write them out and let them out of your system. Go back to those words a week later or a month later and compare and contrast. Find out what triggers you to have those feelings/thoughts, maybe you'll find a pattern. Sometimes it's just a phase that just fades out, sometimes not.

      OK, sorry for the long babble he he...over and out.

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    3. Annie, I like what Amel said. Really I don't have a good answer for you. I just worked my way through the thought process each time. But each time I noticed I spent a little less time on each step. Pretty soon it was shortened to something like, "But I still want kids! But I know it's not going to happen and everyone has a cross to bear and this is mine." Also, My DH and I have started saying, "it is what it is," quite a lot lately!

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  6. It took us about six months of talking about living childfree off and on before finally making the decision and closing our adoption file. We have been officially living CF for 4 months, not very long, but it has been easier to answer questions about children, maybe because we did make a decision and were no longer in limbo. Best wishes to you!

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    1. It is certainly not a quick process thats for sure. I am seeing that more and more from everyone. And I need to accept that.

      We have always been fighting time because of my age, so it is hard to stop and sit back for a while as the months go by and my eggs become less and less useful. But, in the end, if our decision is to stop then it won't matter anymore. And we need to take the time to make this very important decision.

      Thank you for your words!

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  7. The journey to child free is not easy, nor do you stay on track. Kids are an emotional trigger for most of us, and the best of intentions don't magically make you move on when you feel you should or even want to. And then you have that nasty witch Hope that likes to jump in every now and then. Thinking of you

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    1. "that nasty witch Hope"! That made me laugh. Being able to keep my hope has always been a positive in my life. Now I guess it is a "nasty witch"! lol. 'Cause it makes me think that one more round, even though there is only a 5% chance of success, will be the one that works. Nasty hope! lol

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  8. As the others have said, it takes time -- lots of time, more time than most people might think. You've had a lifetime of expecting and planning to have a family; you're not going to shake off those feelings overnight.

    I have to admit that for quite a long time after we made the decision to stop infertility treatment, I continued to hope for that "oops" pregnancy. I still took my temps & charted, etc. Gradually, I stopped doing that too.

    And then when I was about 43, I had a pregnancy "scare." Aunt Flo was late & I thought I might be pregnant, & I realized I didn't want to do this again, particularly since the odds of any pregnancy having a happy ending were not very good. I was also angry -- here I was starting to feel like this might not be such a bad life and my body was jerking me around again. It was a false alarm but it really opened my eyes and made me realize that perhaps I was further down the road towards acceptance than I had thought. My dh said he couldn't do it again either. I didn't go back on the pill or anything like that (although the counsellor we saw did advise that we should use birth control to eliminate any "what ifs" at the back of our minds...!), but we were a lot more careful after that. ;)

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