Facing difficult decisions

The last week has been difficult.  I haven't known how to express what has been going on for me, at least for a blogging format.  How do I write, firstly about something so personal and secondly, about things that aren't necessarily in the living childfree direction which is what this blog is about?

We saw our fertility doctor on Thursday for a follow up appointment after not succeeding with our embryo transfer.  It opened up a whole door of pain and anguish and decision making for both of us.  I need to talk about it, DH just can't talk about it.  It's hard for both of us and, as usual with men and women, we need to deal with it in different ways.

I feel stalled.  I don't know where I am and I don't know what to do.
I need to go in one direction or the other.
For the most part, I'm ready to go in the childfree direction.  I'm ready to let go of the dream and get on with life.  But we need to be in that place together in order for it to work.  We need to have, with absolute conviction, made that mutual decision.

We have both been living a life of baby making struggles for 4 and a half years.  It has consumed us.  We are both strained and exhausted and need a break from it.  But there are decisions to be made and, as a couple, we aren't ready to make them.

So, where does that leave me?  In no-mans land.  Not knowing what to do.

It's so hard to let go of the dream.  But it's also hard not to be moving on from the dream.  It would be so much easier if the decisions were taken out of our hands, if we had no options left to us.  But we still have some choices.  One choice is so low percentage it almost isn't worth doing.  The other choice sets us on a whole new and difficult road to which we need to be absolutely committed.  Neither of us are sure about this path.

I come back again to trying to live in the moment.  Trying to accept this time of waiting as a grace period, a resting period, a rejuvenating period.  But I am finding it impossible to do that.

I write this for two reasons....

• Maybe someone out there has some advice for me.  Maybe someone knows what I'm going through and is going through it as well or has been there.  (even though I've been rather vague about what is actually going on, you might get an idea!)
• Secondly, maybe someday in the future, someone else will come across this and relate to it and feel supported and not alone anymore in their own struggles.  

Supportive connections can be made across the internet that aren't always available to us in our own little world.  Oftentimes, we are the only "real world" people we know who have gone through infertilty, or who have come to this point of facing being childless/free.

It's a really awful, difficult place to be in, this time of making the decisions.  While I can see all the positives that will appear further down the road, they are not here yet.  And somehow, we need to get through these moments as best as we can.

PS.  Please forgive me for not responding to all comments and also for not commenting on your blogs this week.  I appreciate every comment I receive.  Thank you so much.  And I still am reading your blogs through my reader.  My head is just not in any decent place right now.  But I'm working on it. 

Love and Light
xx