For years, my focus has been on trying to conceive and all that it entails. Before that, it was years of waiting for the moment that I could begin to try to conceive. The dream of motherhood is with us all for so long before we get to the point of no return. It's understandable that once it is gone, we begin to feel lost, with no purpose in life, with no meaning.
Even my job was partly about the day I will become a mother. I burnt out on my work a long time ago, but I didn't want to move on to another job because this one was perfect for "when I become a mother". Flexible hours, school holidays, the ability to take a year off with no problems. It was ideal! So, I stayed with it.
As it turns out, the difficulties of fertility treatments saw me cutting back another day of work almost every year, until now I only work 2 days a week. (Next year will be different, but for now, I need the time to recover). As a result, and largely because of the support of my wonderful husband, I am looking at different work and a different lifestyle. I'm looking for more fulfillment and satisfaction in my daily living.
Thank goodness I began this process a few months ago, because now it stands alongside the loss of purpose I feel with no more babymaking goals. I feel lost. I feel restless. What do I do?
In part, it comes back to what I talked about in my first post "Moving Beyond The Dream of Motherhood"
"Step by step. Little by little.But there is more to it than that. Because amongst doing all the things that I enjoy doing and living in the present moment, is an emptiness, a big gaping hole. I can't produce anything profound or wise to help me move beyond it.
Searching for the things that make us happy.
Searching for what we find fulfiilling.
Searching for the things that we enjoy....
I just need to somehow accept that the emptyness is there.
As awful as it feels, I need to absorb it as a natural part of the healing process.
Allow it to be.
So that sometime in the future, things will become clear and meaningful and purposeful in an even better way than before.
Have you experienced this loss of purpose after coming to a place of living childfree? How did you find purpose again?